After our experiences with the Cloverleaf H was adamant that he never wanted anything like that again; he made it clear that although he was still interested in swinging he did not want other relationships. Last summer when I brought up the possibility of myself and a friend of mine getting involved H had a meltdown. That was a rough week – he couldn’t understand why I would want something like that when, according to him, the cloverleaf was the worst thing to ever happen to our marriage. I explained that while he made it clear he didn’t want more than play partners, I didn’t know if that extended to me as well or not. I didn’t end up pursing a relationship with my friend and H and I moved on, having mutually agreed it would just be the two of us and occasional play partners.
Fast forward several months and we had the nightmare of dealing with BWC. After that I seriously doubt I will ever be up for sex with strangers like I have been in the past. If H is going to be concerned about blackmail then I’m not going to allow anyone into a position where that could be an issue. Besides, what I really want is a D/s dynamic and I can’t have that without a more significant relationship existing. There has to be a deeper level of trust and respect present for there to be any chance of me getting what I really want (that I don’t get from H) and H seemed to have precluded that possibility. So, done. I stopped getting on FetLife, stopped looking, stopped talking to people, just stopped completely. In the meantime H introduced me to a coworker he was becoming friends with, S. I don’t have many friends and I’m always looking to make more real friends, so I was excited when the three of us hung out for the first time.
S is cute, funny, sweet, sexy and real all at the same time. H has a big crush on her and they have been flirting back and forth for months. H’s job is pretty physical so I knew he doesn’t wear his nice wedding ring at work, but I thought he wore one of his cheaper rings. Apparently that’s not always true because later I found out that S thought H was single when they first started getting to know one another, which is why she flirted so much. Then once she learned he’s married she didn’t really change her behavior because he’d always participated as well and never objected. Over the last few months I’ve watched H’s feelings for S grow and deepen. He really cares about her and likes her as a person. H started talking about the idea of talking to her about his feelings when he met one of S’s best friends who emphasized how much S talks about H.
I let H wrestle with this decision, very unsure of what he’d decide. I had a hunch from hanging out with S that she could quite possibly find both of us attractive and potentially be open to the idea of being more than friends with H or even the two of us, but I don’t know S as well as H does. Also, after how badly H took it when our cloverleaf dissolved, I knew that it was vital to the future health of any potential new relationship that this was truly what he’d decided he wanted, not something he was in any way pressured or even gently encouraged to pursue. So I remained carefully neutral but honest and waited to see what would happen. Eventually H did decided to talk to S. He told her about his feelings for her and how important her friendship is to him. In return he found out that S has had threesomes before and what I gathered from H telling me about their discussion is that they agreed to get to know one another better. In the mean time though, every single time we have made plans to hang out with S she has cancelled. In fact, I’m waiting for her right now. H is still at work for a few more hours so we were going to watch a movie and hang out. I was expecting her an hour and a half ago and haven’t heard a word from her.
I like S and I’m more than willing to be patient with her. If her feelings for H are anywhere near as strong as his must be for her in order for him to have chosen to take the chance of getting hurt again, this is probably pretty overwhelming for her. She and I went shopping together yesterday for a couple hours, but we didn’t talk about relationships at all. I was hoping she and I would broach that topic today, if she wanted to. She told me via text that she wanted to talk with me in regards to that topic shortly after she and H talked, but hasn’t followed through yet. I could be wrong, but my hunch is that she would be more likely to only want a romantic relationship with H and a friendship with me. That would be fine, but regardless of what she may or may not want, she might end up with nothing if she continues to flake out after making plans. H will not be as patient as I’m prepared to be. If she doesn’t show up tonight and doesn’t say a word he is going to, rightfully, be really hurt. I hope whatever she is feeling doesn’t cause her to ruin something she wants. S is a few years younger than H and I and less mature. If she would be willing to open up and lean on us we could work through whatever she is feeling and wanting/not wanting together and everyone would be happy and presumably friends at the very least. But I’m starting to think S may not be capable of that. We shall see.
Whatever happens, I am incredibly proud of H and feeling hopeful for the future. It took incredible strength and courage to open himself up when he did not want a relationship, did not want to find someone else, did not want to feel the way he feels. I am so proud of him for being willing to take the chance on love – it’s perhaps the greatest risk any of us ever take. I’m poly at heart; always have been, always will be. I love H, I choose to spend my life with H. But that doesn’t mean that we should limit ourselves to only experiencing love for and from one another. I want both of us to experience as much love as this lifetime has to offer us. Perhaps, even if things don’t work out with S, H will be more open to poly relationships in the future.