Live or Die – That’s the Important Choice

I’m in pain. I wasn’t thinking clearly and I did something stupid on Friday. So much for impulse control being a good thing! I gave MCF a box of chocolates, left them on his desk while he was in a meeting. I bought them and brought them to work to eat, then I decided not to since I’m allergic to chocolate. I’ve occasionally left small things for MCF over the past year or so. Sometimes a muffin or doughnut, a soda, etc. It didn’t occur to me until far too late that chocolates are what you give a romantic interest. Now, what are the chances that my investigator-turned manager mentor whom I just so happen to have a crush on has failed to notice over the past year and a half plus that I can’t speak to him without blushing!? I may be in deep shit here with my mentor 😦

 

I had an appointment with a new pain care specialist to get a second opinion today. It did not go well. I wanted to die after she told me there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m in my 20’s living in agony and she tells me I just need to learn a few exercises at physical therapy and I’ll be fine!? As if the two rounds of a year plus I’ve spent in physical therapy meant nothing. I spent all day wanting to hurt myself, thinking about hurting myself. Was seriously tempted to take the box cutter at my desk to myself just for a second of relief. I didn’t, but I still might. You know, at home. Not at work where it could end my career if I got caught. I wonder what it would be like to have someone who understands that? Someone I could trust to give me pain when I need it and take care of me so I never had to hurt myself or think about hurting myself? I wonder if I’ll ever know. I doubt it.

 

I finally told H last night that I don’t want to play with BWC any more, that there’s no chemistry. I told BWC tonight and he freaked the fuck out. Then H spent hours messaging him pretending to be me cuz H was worried if I was honest BWC would harm us in some way as he has pictures of both of us apparently. So H told me what to say. Fuck my life. I can’t even be myself with random hookups and tell them to go away or ignore them without the risk of being blackmailed!? I am so done. I haven’t eaten a bite today, I threw up twice after my doctor’s appointment at work and my stomach has been in knots ever since. I never did get a dose of pain in any helpful form. And now somehow I have to pull my shit together to work all day again tomorrow. I literally cried for an hour and a half at work after my appointment this morning. Luckily the bosses were in a two hour meeting and missed all of it, but still. It was fucking embarrassing. I do not want to be that person, ever. God, the more I think about any part of this day the more I want to be dead.

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5 thoughts on “Live or Die – That’s the Important Choice

  1. Try to be strong. Some days really suck, especially when pain flairs, there’s nothing to relieve it, and you have to work. This sounds so familiar to me – relationships gone bad, less than helpful doctors, becoming a puddle at work. Been there too.

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