Asexual

cherrypi314

I’ve struggled to find inspitation to write for some time now, but watching a documentary on asexuality ( (A)Sexuality, available on Netflix) has triggered my desire to write. It seems so strange to me that people who are so accepting of the fact that sexuality is a spectrum from 100% hetro to 100% homo, with all other flavours in between, find asexuality so hard to accept.

Any one who has read anything of this blog knows that I am the antithesis of asexual but why shouldn’t the degree of sexual desire also fall on a spectum? Treating people who are asexual as if they are broken sexual people is as bad as treating gay people as if they are broken straight people. Perhaps instead of describing sexuality in a linear fashion we should thing of it more as a grid, with the bottom being asexual interest, the top being hypersexual…

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Drawn Again to Mr. Casual Friday

Yesterday I went and spoke to Mr. Casual Friday again. I thanked him for his advice about passion earlier this week and told him while I’d said I would put faith in him being correct, I realized the next day that I didn’t have to – I know he’s right. I know passion is enough. I’ve never had that in a job, but I did have it when I volunteered as a domestic violence advocate. MCF is a former police officer, so I find it likely he understands how significant that type of volunteering was for me. I told him it changed my life, which is true. 

As usual, I went back a second time to see him yesterday. I couldn’t resist saying goodbye and seeing him just once more before four days off from work and being away from him. He is a Jehovah’s Witness, so I know he doesn’t celebrate Thanksgiving. Regardless, I asked about his plans for the long weekend and he admitted he’d be working. I let him know I hope he doesn’t work too hard, which he brushed off casually. I assured him most would think he works too hard, but I know he believes in what he does which makes it admirable. He also mentioned making sure work doesn’t interfere with his home time, something he’s brought up occasionally in the past as well. He shared that his wife likes to sleep in and he likes to get up early, so problem solved.

I’m not sure if his intention is to gently offer marriage advice or if he is just opening up about his personal life a bit to me. Either way we do occasionally discuss the importance and mechanics of work-life balance. It’s comfortable with him. He makes me feel comfortable being me; he soothes the significant and varied fears I carry all day everyday. Just before I left I told him, “I know you don’t need anything, but if there ever is anything I can do for you, I hope you will let me know.” He took that in for a moment before responding, “I will.” and went on to mention my trajectory and the likelihood that at some point he will do so. I hope that happens. I didn’t have to courage to say the last part of my rehearsed offer, “nothing would please me more.” I’m trying so hard to be honest with him, but I just couldn’t scrape together any more courage in such a short span of time.

Although I didn’t say it, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if he knows anyway. We reached a new understanding this week of a shared a drive to serve others. I did my best to make it clear to him the significance of the positive impact he has had on me and I’ve admitted to a desire to serve at the very core of my being. I have no doubt my investigator turned manager mentor can put two and two together to make four. I thanked him. I want so deeply to do more, to have more to offer in return, but at this time I simply don’t. He in turn thanked me, saying I didn’t have to come back down there and tell him all of this about the impact his advice had on me. I insisted it was the very least I could do and pointed out that by using thanking me as a diversion from my expression of gratitude he was only compounding the difficulty because, as we have previously acknowledged, we are both hesitant to accept recognition. 

I have long struggled to understand the connection I have with MCF. Perhaps it is these core similarities such as the desire to serve others, to eschew acknowledgement of ourselves and instead focus attention on others, integrity, commitment. I’m beginning to see that, as difficult as its been for me to understand him, we actually have a great deal in common. Perhaps the reason he is so deserving of my trust is because we are not so different from one another as I once presumed. 

Now, if I could just get over this:

Wanting More – Advice from MCF

I have no idea where I found the courage, but somehow, miraculously, I did. I talked to him yesterday. Not in the exact words from If Only I Had Enough Courage, but I admitted to the fear, the reason I’m … Continue reading

BWC the Failed Top

Last week I played with BWC for the second time. It was noteworthy because H and I have never played on a work night before. It wasn’t noteworthy for any other reason, unfortunately.

 

There’s nothing really wrong with BWC – he is tall, ripped and hung. He isn’t shy and according to him he likes to be dominant in bed. The guy wouldn’t recognize what I consider “dominance” if it walked up to him and shook his hand 😦 I more or less was giving him a second chance as the first time we hooked up I didn’t feel any chemistry. It was okay but not really an experience worth repeating. According to him he was holding back, nervous, etc. it being the first time and all. So we talked for a number of weeks before our schedules decided to cooperate and I was pretty open about what I like and that he shouldn’t hold back.

 

Any guesses what the difference was this time? The idiot tried to hurt me. Succeeded, too. Not badly or anything, but he thought I was after pain. I may be a masochist, but I only get off on pain when it’s used right. BWC had no idea what he was doing. When I told him he was hurting me his response was, “I thought you wanted me to.” I wanted to be dominated, not just spread my legs for some guy who thinks he’s dominant in bed and demonstrates this by trying to cause me pain! This guy definitely isn’t what I am looking for. At. All.

 

I guess, maybe, he is a top? I honestly feel like even that’s a stretch though. It’s almost like he googled “domination” and make a check list:

  • Spank her
  • Choke her
  • Pin her down

and that done, he’d accomplished his task. Seriously, that’s what it felt like to me. I was literally bored 😦

 

Now I just have to get together the courage to tell H I don’t want to play with BWC again. He holds zero interest for me and if H hadn’t been there watching I’m not sure I would’ve enjoyed either time at all. So yeah, no. Thanks, but I’ll pass. Here’s hoping we find someone I actually have chemistry with!

Charlie Sheen & the HIV

So H and I finally had “the talk”. I have expressed on many occasions that I only wanted to play with condoms, but H strongly prefers to play without them – even when it doesn’t involve him actually wearing one. Although HIV is far from the only danger involved with high risk sex, it is one of the ones that I actively worry about contracting.

I don’t mean to make it sound as though H forces me into anything, that is certainly never his intention. Unfortunately he has absolutely no concept of what it means to be submissive as I am. Add in alcohol and hot sex and how could I say “No” when he asks me, in the heat of the moment, if I want it bare. Of course I want it but that doesn’t change the fact that using condoms was a pre-established limit. One I have, too many times, allowed to be dismissed when that was not my true wish.

I don’t want to make H out to be the bad guy here, he really hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s just so difficult to not be understood, not be able to adequately explain and not do everything in my power to please the man I love at every opportunity. He has no way of understanding the dynamics at play when I’m in a situation like that and he asks me if I want what he wants – hell, what everyone wants. Saying “No” to H is not one of my strong suits anyway :/

H was surprised the Charlie Sheen had HIV because he has money and was presumably using high-class hookers as well as having the means to ensure he didn’t sleep with anyone with the disease (according to H). H was surprised that I was not surprised. I explained that HIV is a risk of high risk sex and even if partners are tested, the test has to be repeated months later to confirm. Someone with HIV could clear an initial test depending on when they contracted it. As with many STDs people may not even know they have it and pass it on.

H seemed a bit off balance by my response and was immediately concerned he’d done something wrong. I assured him he hadn’t but that I worry about contracting something and that’s why I get tested every year for STDs and HIV. H then asked what I wanted and I explained that I want long term play partners to minimize the risk, which is something we have both desired for some time. I didn’t go into any more detail than that as he was already worried and if I explained the number of times he has violated that limit of mine without realizing it would only have served to cause him pain and confusion. Of course he doesn’t understand how my saying I wanted it at the time was not the same as me consenting.

I’m not sure whether or not any good came of the conversation. Perhaps H will be more aware in the future of my concerns and how seriously I take the risk of some of our choices? Or perhaps he will forget the converse every happened. It’s not like I was very forthcoming so I could hardly blame him if nothing changes. I’m not unhappy exactly when it comes to this subject, I’m just afraid. I want us to have a long life together and my health is already troubled enough without contracting any life-altering diseases. I guess for now I will just keep my fingers crossed, limit the number of partners and keep getting tested regularly. Honestly, I don’t see any other realistic options. I don’t want to give up a part of our sex life H so thoroughly enjoys.

If Only I Had Enough Courage

To say this:

I figured out what’s going on and there’s no one else I can talk to about it, but I’m terrified of breaking this gift you’ve given me where you support me and advise me and protect my secrets as fiercely as I do. I’m terrified of being honest with you. Even after all this time, you are still an enigma to me.

If I asked you too personal a question, would you tell me? Or would you answer it, in spite of the fact that it’s inappropriately personal, just because you have nothing to hide? I don’t understand where the boundaries are between us. I don’t ever feel like there are any with you, but that can’t possibly be true. And yet, every single time I think I’m crossing a line you assure me that, in fact, I am not.

How did you do it, how did you change your mind set and get out of your own way when you went into management? Because my career is thriving, and I don’t know the first thing about how to thrive. All I’ve ever done is survive, surviving is the only thing I know how to do. And if I don’t learn how, my career won’t continue to thrive while I only survive. It can’t last, I get that. So please, I need your help. How do I let myself and my career thrive instead of just survive? How?

#ThingsI’llNeverSay to Mr. Casual Friday

Your Kink Is Not OK

Just had the funniest thought…I wonder what would happen if I put a YKINOK stop sign with an “X” through it on my desk at work? Anything? It would clearly identify me as a kinkster to other kinksters; however, if anyone got curious a quick Google search reveals what the acronym means. So maybe I’d get called on it? That would be a terribly awkward HR conversation for my boss! Not today…but you never know what the future holds 😉

Happy Friday!
LG

Release

I need release. At this point I may even need it more than my next breath. I’m overwhelmed. I think this mask I wear to face the world has consumed me. I can’t get it off – and even if I could, it’s far too late now. I couldn’t possibly show my true self. No one would believe this hideously scared, broken, scared creature is me. No, I’m the star, I’m special, I’m the one with so much potential. I’m the one whose career is taking off at a breakneck speed because of my hard work and intelligent tactics and dedication and patience and skill. I’m the confident one, a natural leader, a team player. I’m the one you rely on when you need results. Hah! If only they knew…

If only they knew how afraid I am of failing, how far I still need to go to be a great leader, how lacking I truly am in patience and restraint and good judgment. Forget the mask of who I am, I can’t even take off the mask of what I am. How can I say no as they hand me my dream? I want this, but I was supposed to have to work for it, work up to it! This was supposed to come in 10 years, or, maybe, five years. Not now! I’m not ready. I will let everyone down. I’m not stable or confident or experienced or knowledgeable. I’m in way over my head and I’m sinking faster day after day. And through it all is Mr. Casual Friday, right there and utterly out of reach. I won’t ever be able to take off the masks for him, let alone give myself to him as my very being begs to. Am I never going to find a master, am I never going to get to be 100% authentic, without fear, with any other human being?

The masks are laughing at me. They own me and control me. They no longer serve me as they were made to, no. Now they exist and I’m stuck watching the life they live from the sidelines. I’m so isolated and alone. And I need. Where does it end?