So H and I finally had “the talk”. I have expressed on many occasions that I only wanted to play with condoms, but H strongly prefers to play without them – even when it doesn’t involve him actually wearing one. Although HIV is far from the only danger involved with high risk sex, it is one of the ones that I actively worry about contracting.
I don’t mean to make it sound as though H forces me into anything, that is certainly never his intention. Unfortunately he has absolutely no concept of what it means to be submissive as I am. Add in alcohol and hot sex and how could I say “No” when he asks me, in the heat of the moment, if I want it bare. Of course I want it but that doesn’t change the fact that using condoms was a pre-established limit. One I have, too many times, allowed to be dismissed when that was not my true wish.
I don’t want to make H out to be the bad guy here, he really hasn’t done anything wrong. It’s just so difficult to not be understood, not be able to adequately explain and not do everything in my power to please the man I love at every opportunity. He has no way of understanding the dynamics at play when I’m in a situation like that and he asks me if I want what he wants – hell, what everyone wants. Saying “No” to H is not one of my strong suits anyway
H was surprised the Charlie Sheen had HIV because he has money and was presumably using high-class hookers as well as having the means to ensure he didn’t sleep with anyone with the disease (according to H). H was surprised that I was not surprised. I explained that HIV is a risk of high risk sex and even if partners are tested, the test has to be repeated months later to confirm. Someone with HIV could clear an initial test depending on when they contracted it. As with many STDs people may not even know they have it and pass it on.
H seemed a bit off balance by my response and was immediately concerned he’d done something wrong. I assured him he hadn’t but that I worry about contracting something and that’s why I get tested every year for STDs and HIV. H then asked what I wanted and I explained that I want long term play partners to minimize the risk, which is something we have both desired for some time. I didn’t go into any more detail than that as he was already worried and if I explained the number of times he has violated that limit of mine without realizing it would only have served to cause him pain and confusion. Of course he doesn’t understand how my saying I wanted it at the time was not the same as me consenting.
I’m not sure whether or not any good came of the conversation. Perhaps H will be more aware in the future of my concerns and how seriously I take the risk of some of our choices? Or perhaps he will forget the converse every happened. It’s not like I was very forthcoming so I could hardly blame him if nothing changes. I’m not unhappy exactly when it comes to this subject, I’m just afraid. I want us to have a long life together and my health is already troubled enough without contracting any life-altering diseases. I guess for now I will just keep my fingers crossed, limit the number of partners and keep getting tested regularly. Honestly, I don’t see any other realistic options. I don’t want to give up a part of our sex life H so thoroughly enjoys.