H and I rented 50 Shades of Grey and watched it together a while back. When the movie was being advertised like crazy, I admitted to H that I didn’t want to want to see it, but that I did want to see it. I was curious as hell how the red room would look. H surprised me by saying he would watch it with me. I was not expecting that! I was thrilled, although I tried not to show it because I didn’t want to pressure H in any way. A few weeks ago we watched it together. I was hopeful that this would inspire a conversation about BDSM, giving me the opportunity to make it clear to him that it’s all about consent and safety. As luck would have it, that’s exactly what happened! The ending where Christian beats Ana with a belt was the perfect segue for our discussion. I must have been shaking my head or had an expression on my face, because H looked at me and said, “What?” I explained to him how I dislike the story because it casts BDSM in a negative light, as if anyone who is in to BDSM is fucked up; how unsafe that last scene was because Christian, as an experienced Dom, should have known Ana wouldn’t be able to handle that interactions and it was also unsafe because Ana wasn’t willing to safe word. I told H in my opinion they both failed. At first he was outraged, but I continued to explain in more detail and when I finished H said, “I was prepared to disagree with you but I actually agree with everything you said.” Holy shit! H agrees that being in to BDSM doesn’t automatically mean that person is fucked up, and he agrees that it should be done safely and only with explicit consent and discussion of limits before hand. Huston, we have a breakthrough! I’ve been looking for opportunities to have this discussion with H for years, and it’s finally happened! Even his response was more than I’d ever dared to hope for; I was beyond thrilled!
Fast forward to a couple weeks ago. H and I were having sex and he was rough with me. H grabbed me, spanked me, bit me and thoroughly abused my nipples. It was so good he made me squirt – which only happens when I cum really hard. It’s been months since the last time H was rough with me; I was thrilled to finally get a bit of pain with sex again. Immediately after we finished, H said, “I’ve been thinking. I think it would be hot to see you with someone who is in to BDSM like you are.” I was speechless. I felt like if I said anything, did anything, even moved at all, the spell would break and I’d realize he didn’t really say that. I held my breath as the seconds ticked by, but he just waited, quietly looking at me. As H waited for me to respond, I realized that he really DID say that; this was no illusion conjured up from my post-orgasmic, blissed out mind. I quickly agreed and he continued on, asking me, “Do you know someone who could do that or would you need to find someone?”
The interesting this about this question is that I do know someone who is a sadist and has no outlet for those tendencies. He is a guy I was sleeping with back when I met H. Sadly, at the time he and I were sleeping together BDSM never entered into our sex life. Over the years this guy and I have teased one another occasionally talking about fantasies and how great it would be to sleep together again. However, he insisted he would only sleep with me if H wasn’t there. For a long time this wasn’t something H would have been comfortable with, so it seemed like it would never happen. This guy and I didn’t discuss BDSM at all until the last couple of years, and while he is a sadist, he has no experience as a Dom or in BDSM at all. As much as I’m attracted to this guy and love the things he says he wants to do to me, I would be concerned about safety depending on what he actually would do when we were together. However, even if he was experienced, I would still feel safer and I think be more able to drop into subspace if H was in the room with us, watching. H always makes me feel safe ❤ Anyway, earlier this year this guy told me that he’d changed his mind about not being willing to be watched, and we agreed on a date for him to come top me. As much as I wanted this to happen, he cancelled. I suspected he would all along, but I hoped I’d be wrong. I have no way of knowing if his excuse was legitimate or if he just changed his mind, but I decided to let go of hanging my hopes on him.
With this in mind, the answer I gave H is that I’d have to find someone. My mind was already working away, thinking about posting this on my blog and getting on FetLife. As excited as I was, it has been a couple weeks at least since this all happened, and I’m only now getting around to posting here. I could give excuses about how I’ve been busy, but truthfully I was just feeling overwhelmed by the fact that desires I’ve thought would never be met and would always haunt my marriage may actually be met and have an outlet for the first time in my life! What I did do is get on Craigslist and look for dominant men who I could get to know and possibly bottom for. My Craigslist search was unsuccessful; which, truthfully, is what I expected and probably why I started there – baby steps! At this point I’ve had time to absorb the enormity of what H is offering me, and I’m finally feeling able to proceed 🙂
I’ve searched quite a bit online and found that Oregon is, sadly, severely lacking in dungeons. I would love to go to a dungeon, but what I’ve found in my searches is not encouraging. There are a fair amount of swinger’s clubs, some of which have BDSM or bondage theme nights they put on, but I want to experience a full time dungeon. I feel like that would be the ideal way to find someone to top me, but it seems unlikely that path will be fruitful. So, here I am on my blog, announcing to the world that this is me:
I am a waiting submissive, ready to please her Dom…whoever, or wherever, he is.