Years ago, before I met H, I got to know an awesome guy. We met on an online dating website and spent a few months together. We never discussed terminology, we just spent time together and had fun. We often spent the night together, but never had sex. In my mind we were in the gray area between friends and boyfriend/girlfriend. We only had one make out session, but it was the most fun I’d ever had making out. We were playful and unselfconscious; we ended up rolling around on the floor of his apartment and laughing in between kisses. I was comfortable with this guy in a way I’d never experienced before. He is a gentleman; always opening doors for me and paying whenever we were together. My only hesitation was that he has a young daughter. Back when we met I was only 19 or 20 and I wanted to be sure I was ready to commit to being a part of his daughter’s life, or I didn’t want to get too serious with him. It was very important to me that I not get to know his daughter only to later disappear from her life. I didn’t directly discuss this with him, so when we drifted further apart and stopped spending time together he didn’t really know why.
He and I never totally lost touch, and he’s had a couple serious relationships since that time (and I got married). Over time I explained to him why I was hesitant when we were together and that seemed to open up our relationship quite a bit. Last year he and his serious girlfriend broke up within a few weeks of when my cloverleaf dissolved. This lead to us leaning on one another as we struggled to let go. He knows all about H and my’s non-monogamous approach to marriage, and told me yesterday that, “I am kind of figuring out and I have for awhile that I may be more than a one woman man. And I can totally fulfill your emotional and physical needs.” We had talked before about our mutual interest in sleeping with one another, but I let him know that I wouldn’t be able to have casual sex with him because I care too much about him. Honestly, I’m still crazy about him. Always have been and probably always will be.
So, he and I are on the same page it seems, for the very first time! Now I just have to figure out how to bring this up with H. I have no idea if he would be open to me having a boyfriend after the disaster with our cloverleaf. Even if he is okay with it, I think the same issue would pervade in regards to H wanting to hide the relationship and not being okay with us acting as a couple in public. I asked my crush if he would still be interested if we could only act as friends in public rather than as a couple and he said that made sense and he would be okay with it. That is not my preference at all – I feel I should have the right to be who I am and not have to hide it, but I also understand why privacy is so important to H. One way or another I suspect this conversation with H will be difficult and stressful for me; I just hope I end up being rewarded with a new boyfriend!
This year I’ve been working on being brave rather than making decisions based on fear. I don’t want to live hiding from love in order to protect myself from being hurt. The song “Brave” reminds of who I want to be. And choosing to consider a new relationship? That requires a great deal of bravery on my part. But dammit, my happiness is worth taking risks!