The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Dissolution

Yes, I’m back. No, the break up was not recent. However, I’m only now arriving at a place where I can bring myself to put anything down in writing. With the exception of this blog, I am exceedingly cognizant of what I put in writing. Call me crazy; I simply consider myself prudent. Obviously, I have no reason to be concerned by divulging the truth here. Instead, my hesitancy is derived from an utterly ridiculous feeling – that once I put down in words that it’s over, it is somehow more permanent than it has been these last few months.

H never liked Halloween and I never quite understood his aversion to it. Might as well have been prophetic. I can assure you, I am now in complete agreement with my better half – Halloween blows! I recognize that I am suffering from a bad case of procrastination as I feel the need to congratulate myself at this juncture for my use of the phrase “my better half”. I am certainly not happy about the situation, but it seems I have finally accepted the fact that I am one of two again, rather than one of four.

On to the story (which I have successfully avoided for the past 200 or so words). There are so many intimate details I could go in to, so much happiness and love I could describe, which is as of yet undocumented. All I can really bring myself to do though is relate the highlights of that final week. B and his wife had told H and I of hot springs that they like to go to. H and I had actually talked about going to hot springs prior to meeting them, but ruled the adventure out once we did more research and discovered that hot springs can cause second and third degree burns occasionally since the temperature is not controlled. B and his wife however knew of a place where there were stalls with bath tubs in them which allowed you to fill with as much hot water from the hot spring as you like and temper with cold water which was on hand as well. This was a great solutions as H was not comfortable being naked in a public place, but with the privacy of individual bath stalls everyone was on board. The four of us drove up in B’s new BMW 5 series; on the way there I sat shotgun and we held hands for the entirety of the lengthy drive. B’s hands were always sweaty; he used to apologize constantly for it and admit that I caused this reaction in him. I thought it was adorable even if not terribly sexy.

When we arrived at the hot springs it was raining. I love the rain and have always had a fantasy of having sex in the rain. I struggle with sex involving water such as in a bath or shower because of trauma caused by E. However, since I’d never had sex in the rain, I hoped it would be fun and different, not scary. Once we parked, we had about a mile and a half long hike to the hot spring. B and I walked holding hands and talking comfortably with one another while B’s wife and H lead the way, having a far more animated discussion as was common. The walk was beautiful; I was so relaxed and happy to be having this experience with my lovers. I love the outdoors, I love rain and I love to explore. H and I would never have been to this place on our own.

Once we got to the hot spring, we split up in to two stalls, leaving me to climb into the bath tub with B. I’m not going to lie, it was challenging. B was extremely patient and kind to me. He didn’t push me and let me know that whatever I was or was not comfortable with was okay by him. The first couple of times he wrapped his arms around me from behind I barely fought off a panic attack. Thankfully, it got easier. B was so relaxed and gentle with me that I was able to release some of the fear that I’d previously learned to respond with and actually enjoy touching him and being touched by him while he held me in the bath. I was both proud of myself and happy I was able to demonstrate how deeply I trusted him. Throughout our relationship, I never wanted to waste a single moment of happiness. I savored everything – even now, I can close my eyes and feel the heat, the steam and him. I’ll never forget the cool rain that fell all afternoon, the smell of the forest or the sound of his voice. That day was a dream come true in so many ways. After we’d been in the bath for a while and I was more comfortable, we did end up having sex in the rain. It wasn’t quite as I’d always fantasized about; instead of lying on my back on a blanket i was bent forward at the waist with him behind me, but it was still him and I and the rain. I was not disappointed.

When we left, I was missing B’s wife. She had sat with H in the back seat on the drive up, she walked with H during the hiking we did and the two of them were in a separate stall at the hot spring. So naturally, I proposed that for the drive back she and I share the back seat. It proved an excellent plan as we spent most of the long drive home making out and feeling each other up! It was early evening when we returned home and there was not specific plan for that night or the next day, Sunday. H and I invited them to come over once they’d gone home to take care of their dog and change. That night found the four of us in H and my’s king size bed getting intimate. I was extremely horny and although I knew B and I would need to be alone before we could start exploring anything even remotely BDSM related, I was aching for it. I whispered to him, “If you’re not going to fuck my ass tonight, you’d better do it soon!” Being the giver that he was, he then proceeded to fuck my ass. It was his first time having anal sex and it was none too shabby at all. We finished while H and B’s wife were still going, so I grabbed B’s hand and told him to come with me. I grabbed a couple towels and pulled him in to the shower. I remember him commenting on how much water we’d been in together recently and I was so grateful to have three lovers who were so patient, kind and trustworthy. That day I had everything.

What I didn’t get was a chance to wake up with them. I very badly wanted the four of us to sleep in one bed together. Once they had agreed to do so, but then changed their mind and went to go to bed. After that I was never able to convince them to agree to spending the night together. It hurt to be denied that intimacy. There were other difficulties I was struggling with as well. Although B admitted having a sadistic streak, his wife did not understand BDSM any more than H does. She and I had been talking about BDSM via email some, so I was not hiding my desire from her as I didn’t want B and I choosing to partake at some point to be an issue. Truly though, the most difficult thing for me was the secrecy our relationship was shrouded in. B and I met because we work together. Not only in the same building, but in the same room. Our desks were 20 feet from one another with line of sight. I wanted to be “work friends” with B – that’s what I was after when he informed me that he had received photos of H and I on an “adult social networking site”, from someone pretending to be H and I, effectively letting the cat out of the bag that he and his wife were on at least one swinging website. The four of us met in person for the first time that same night. Anyway, B was not comfortable being “work friends” with me for a variety of reasons, none of which I felt had any merit. Regardless, I tried to respect his wishes and not push things, but it ate away at me over.

H also felt a great need for secrecy, as his family is very religious. H has a cousin who recently came out of the closet and the scandal in his family was enormous. Us being polyamorous? Definitely not going to fly. B’s wife was also raised by a very religious family and although they live in another state, she actually worked for a religious organization. So, aside from our polyamorous relationship likely putting her job at risk if it were known, she also shared custody of her daughter with her ex-husband and feared losing custody if the four of us were open. So, there I was not giving two shits about possible consequences at work or with my family and everyone else more or less in agreement that it was absolutely imperative that we remain in hiding, indefinitely. Even months after the break up I am still struggling with the secrecy. Feeling forced to hide the fact that I was in love with two out of three people was devastating to me. It was tearing me apart and I truly didn’t know how to continue doing it. I was planning to talk to everyone about how much I was struggling because of this, but never got the chance.

The Thursday following our weekend trip to the hot springs B and I were texting one another at work as usual, when he told me that we couldn’t be “work friends” and gave me a list of reasons why. What he text me was extremely hurtful and, try as I might, I was completely unable to come up with a response. So I just didn’t text him back. The next day the shit hit the fan. B told his wife about what happened and she told H, who then texted me very angry the next morning. I apologized to B, who forgave me, but at that point his wife was calling it quits. H and I couldn’t believe that she would walk away over a communication issue. This was hardly the first time a communication issue had arisen and even H agreed B and I did a far better job of working past it than we ever had before. It didn’t matter. On 10/31/14 my cloverleaf ended.

Later H and I found out that B was taking his frustrations out on his wife and forcing her to hide things from H and I, issues that affected all of us. Ultimately, the bottom line was that B wanted me and that’s all he was thinking about. He was never okay with his wife being with H (even though he said he was), and he didn’t want me with H either. He wanted to have everything his way and under his control, and for H to just magically disappear. For all his good points, B is a poor communicator, he is jealous, controlling and unable to be honest with himself, let alone others. B and his wife’s marriage is built on the pair of them lying to themselves and to each other. Being involved with H and I threw into stark relief the lies in their marriage and unfortunately separated them from us because we did not encounter any of the issues they were busy hiding from us all along, as our marriage is based on honesty. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to say my marriage is perfect. But, it’s a hell of a lot more honest and open than theirs is. At first we tried to be friends, but that fell apart in a week. Their marriage is literally too fragile for them to have friends. B feels too threatened by his wife having friends and he is too controlling to have friends of his own. It was an extremely sad ending, realizing that the “committed relationship” the four of us had agreed we were in was nothing but a facade on their end.

I still see B at work. We don’t talk, we try not to even look at one another and are mostly successful. Luckily our positions don’t interact much, and I was able to move to a different desk a bit further away from him thanks to a very timely excuse that arose. But still. I trusted him, I fell in love with him. I opened up to him and told him things I’ve never told anyone, ever. Including H. Granted, that primarily consisted of BDSM related fantasies, but still. I wanted what I thought the four of us had so badly. I was all in. I admit I always thought I would lose them, that we wouldn’t last forever. The good thing about that fact is that I never wasted a moment. The unfortunate things is that my cynicism was proven correct in spades. Now I’m a polyamorous submissive with only one partner, who has no comprehension of BDSM whatsoever.

Since the break up our sex life has been all messed up. H has talked about wanting to swing again but I’m just not there yet. I don’t know if I ever will be. H made it exceedingly clear that he never wants to be involved in “something like that” again. He never did like the term polyamorous, I’m not sure why. So for now it’s just the two of us, and it’s getting more and more difficult for me to handle my desires with no foreseeable outlet. I could continue on for hours, but what I’d set out to do was tell the end of a particular journey and I’ve done as much as I’m capable at this point. In closing let me just say, St. Patrick’s Day will be a close second for the title of my Most Hated Holiday.

6 thoughts on “The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Dissolution

  1. There is no cure for a broken heart, and having a poly heart doesn’t make it any easier for us. It just means we get more experience in that lovely piece of life. It’s hard, and I’m going to be sadistically honest with your lovely ass: it never gets easier. You may get stronger, and some may hurt you less than others, but it never gets easier. And it shouldn’t. Love is always a gamble, dear girl, and the games will not always end well. So enjoy, cherish and treasure the moments worth making. There will be more, and your heart is worth having them.

    On a (slightly) lighter note, I don’t think it’s crazy to be cautious of what you write down. I have much greater reason than most people to be careful with what I write and where, but sometimes it’s good to let things out. It may be rude of me to say so, but your life (particularly the portion of it relevant to this post) seems to be wrapped in too many secrets and you seem to have too few people you can open your heart to as fully as you would like. I can tell you from having experienced the same that holding too much in makes it all worse, and writing things down helps a lot – as I’m sure you’ve figured out already, from the experience of this place if nothing else.

    But writing something down doesn’t mean you have to keep it and worry about it, and it certainly doesn’t mean you have to publish it somewhere like here. What’s most important is that you let it out. It’s a vent, a purge, and a relief. Some, and I am among them, would even call it a form of therapy. And once you have gotten something out of your heart and head, you can delete it, burn it, shred it, or pee on it and attack it with a sword if that is your desire. The contents will still exist in your heart and mind, but their weight will lessen – and that is the most important part. Let it out, love. Secrets and suppression have a way of eating us alive if we are not careful.

    Life will always be a bitch, and she’ll fuck you to death. So make sure you give as good as you get, and don’t let anything hold you down*. A breakup may break your heart, but do remember: the strongest link in a chain is the one that has already broken and been repaired.

    *don’t ever let anything or anyone hold you down. . . except, you know, those lovely ropes, shiny chains, and that sexy Master I’m sure you keep fantasizing about. Never forget the exceptions. They’re too fun to miss.

    Liked by 2 people

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