Femme Fatigue

The Gay Agenda

Queer spaces have always felt like home. From meeting like-minded people to not being on red-alert for the constant risk of unwelcome groping and everything in between mean that I feel safe.

But what isn’t fun is when we are made to feel like interlopers in our own spaces.

me at Manc PrideHappy Pride!

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Will We Accept Pornosexuals As We Have Homosexuals?

Missy Jubilee's Vagina

A conversation with either a creep or victim of discrimination

I got in conversation recently with this decent fellow. We talked about all manner of things–an interesting guy. At one point I asked him about his relationship status. His response went something like this:

“Actually I’m a Pornosexual. I rely entirely on porn for my sexual release. I have for years. At first I was ashamed, but I’ve come to accept myself.”

“It’s hard. Most people who know, look down on me because of it. They assume I’m some sort of pervert or letch, like how people used to think homosexuals go around lusting after every guy they meet, trying to cop a feel or whatever, as though you could never be just friends with gas, as though his sexuality was all consuming.”

“I’m not like that. I don’t go around thinking pornographic thoughts about everyone. My sexual life doesn’t…

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The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Growing Pains

4 Leaf Clover

Today is the one month anniversary of when the four of us met! Over the weekend H and I finally met B and his wife’s daughter. I was very excited to meet her and she is an adorable girl. B is not her biological father, but he’s been in her life since she was very young. Her biological father lives near by, so B and his wife have her 50% of the time, and the other 50% of the time she is with her biological father. I wasn’t sure before how close B and she were, but H and I spent time with the three of them over the weekend and it’s clear that they are a family. She calls B “daddy” which I find so endearing. B obviously loves her very much. I had asked him at one point if he and his wife wanted more kids and B told me they did want one of their own some day. I thought that was really cool.

Anyway, over the weekend B and I went to a local dog park just the two of us and talked for a couple of hours straight. I told him the things I’ve been holding back: about V, my history of sleeping with married men and the cutting. It was also my first chance to really talk with him about my family and some of the crap I dealt with growing up. He was, as always, extremely kind and understanding. He hugged me and held me and encouraged me. It was a wonderful feeling, and I was so glad to finally feel like everything is out in the open between us.

Naturally, I didn’t want to be far behind with his wife. She also enjoys writing, so we decided to share some of our stuff. I pulled quite a bit directly off of this blog and sent it to her. I hadn’t told her about the cutting, but she pretty much knew about the rest. However, she and I haven’t really talked about BDSM and that was certainly a recurring theme in what I sent her. She read most of what I sent her today and responded with a bunch of interesting and thoughtful questions. I was extremely nervous last night after I sent her so much of who I am and what I struggle with that I’d made a mistake and our cloverleaf was going to fall to pieces because I showed the real me. Instead my relationships with both B and his wife are already stronger. It feels amazing to be cared for by people who know things that matter to me, by people I’ve chosen to trust.

H seems to be the most unstable component of our cloverleaf so far, which doesn’t surprise me in the least. B said he thinks H might see our relationships as more of a friends-with-benefits situation than a polyamorous relationship, however B and H don’t really talk to one another so he’s drawing that conclusion indirectly. I admit it’s possible B is right, but my gut is that H is interested in B’s wife as more than a friend-with-benefits based on the time and energy he is investing in his relationship with her. Also, B’s wife has her own baggage and perhaps isn’t connecting with H on the deeper level that I’ve been connecting with both B and her. However, H needs the most time out of all of us to become comfortable and it takes time to really get to know him. I hope that over time H and B’s wife’s relationship will deepen. On a selfish note, although I would be wrecked if I lost B and his wife from my life, at least H and I will have had an experience with polyamory and perhaps we will find a permanent relationship down the road. In the meantime, the cloverleaf continues to learn and grow. I personally feel like I’ve grown a ton in the last month just by letting new people into my life and opening my heart again. Whatever happens in the end, I am grateful.

Getting to the Core – a sub’s Journey

Sexy Pea

BDSM moves past the polite rituals of human interaction and into the naked core of a person…..

After being chained naked to a St. Andrews Cross and restrained in a similar manner on a spanking bench, this thought keeps crossing my mind. Even though there have been others present in the dungeon, either playing or watching, we have been focused solely on each other. With each lash of the flogger, the strike of Sir’s bare hand, or the nasty bite of the cane, it is my desire to please him and his to bring pleasure to me.

There was no time for talking, performing the vanilla dating ritual of banter back and forth, skirting true feelings until a time when familiarity brings a state of comfort where honesty can be revealed. Instead, the connection of our two souls in this naked state brought with it honesty and trust without that…

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:: BDSM Emotions

AN EMERGING DOM

tumblr_na0btuSgJt1tcy75jo4_500I’ve always found it interesting some of the search phrases used that have found some people onto my little space here on the internet. Over the next few posts, I thought I’d share a few of them and some thoughts about them.

The first one is “BDSM Emotions”.

Now, Google thinks I should be asking for “BDSM Emoticons” – which I find both amusing and intriguing. But the persons who used this search phrase ended up on the 3rd page before one of my pages about submissive emotions appears.

This is a pretty important topic though – and it’s one that often isn’t talked about as much as it should be. 

One of the things to remember is a submissive wants to please, and this desire can lead to a wide range of emotions – especially if/when things don’t go right. But it’s not just when things go wrong –…

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Mr. Casual Friday vs. The Cloverleaf

I had a dream last night that really upset me. I’m not even sure where to begin explaining.

As I’ve referenced in other posts, I still have secrets from B and his wife. Admitting my history as a survivor of domestic violence to them was a big step, but there is more I need to tell them. I started with that secret because I don’t feel shame or guilt about it most of the time any more. I understand that I was a victim and it wasn’t my fault. My other secrets however? I still feel culpable for both my decisions and the results. That makes it far more difficult to admit to my history of self harm and affairs with married men.

Enter my dream last night. I think my subconscious is afraid that I am going to sabotage this very new and beautiful relationship the four of us are developing. I could go in to far more detail, but the short version is Mr. Casual Friday was naked in bed with a woman while I was in the room. I tried not to watch them but failed to resist completely. He was gorgeous, all sexy and sweaty and rippling muscles. As I was building up the courage to walk out of the room he turned his full attention on me. I wanted him but he is married and I would never want to hurt B. He persisted and got some of my clothes off. I woke before we made it all the way, but I was feeling incredibly guilty and disappointed in myself both in my dream and once I was awake.

B knows about my crush on Mr. Casual Friday and teases me about it occasionally. I’ve made it clear to B that I am not looking for more partners at this point nor will I be at any time in the near future. I always imagined four, and I think my instincts were right. I think four is a good balance and is enough for me without being too much. Anyway, B has no reason to feel threatened by Mr. Casual Friday, but the alpha male in him still makes itself known occasionally in a devastatingly attractive way! So, I need to tell both B and his wife the secrets I’m still holding back. I need to know that they want me in spite of past mistakes. And I need to stop fantasizing about Mr. Casual Friday. It’s very clear to me all of a sudden that I’d far rather be fantasizing about my cloverleaf 🙂

The Cloverleaf Chronicles – Part I

4 Leaf Clover

Last Sunday H and I spent the day with B and his wife. It was amazing! We went to a video store and rented a movie, bought lunch and went back to their place. We crowded onto a three-person couch to watch the movie and eat lunch. It was cozy and comfortable. We talked and laughed and got along great, and I FINALLY got to touch B! We had some drinks and played some games on the bed. We incorporated stripping and making out into our game and soon we were all either tipsy or drunk and naked. The chemistry did not disappoint and we spent more time in separate rooms than all together on the bed. Both were great!

After spending the entire day together, we agreed to go boating the next day as we were all off for labor day. The boating was completely PG as we were out in a group with various co-workers and my parents, but it was a lot of fun nonetheless. I quickly realized that I cannot get enough of them! B and his wife have a queen size bed so it was very intimate with all of us sharing it on Sunday and I loved every second of it! I was really looking forward to getting closer to B’s wife as she is exactly my type physically, but the boys had other plans for us…I got to make out with her and play with her tits a bit, but that was about all. She did finger me and eat me out for a few minutes (just long enough to make me squirt!). Apparently neither B nor his wife had ever seen a girl squirt before that day; luckily for me they both love it! They couldn’t seem to get enough and I soaked their bed. Good times!

The following week was rough for me emotionally (for unrelated reasons), and I worked hard on opening up to B and letting him in. It wasn’t easy but he did not disappoint; B is so kind, caring and supportive. He makes me feel incredibly loved. Needless to say I’ve completely fallen for him. I’m quite a ways down the road to trusting him completely already – far enough down that road in fact that I finally had the energy and emotional capacity to reach out to B’s wife and begin to deepen our relationship. I asked her if we could spend some one-on-one time together soon and we agreed to have a coffee date Saturday morning. We had previously made plans for the four of us to get together Friday night, which was, in a word, spectacular!

B and his wife came over to our place Friday evening. B had a rough day at work, so we talked about that for a while to give him a chance to unwind while H and B’s wife talked about I don’t know what (but they were smiling and laughing so all was good). Everyone had a drink in hand and we were all relaxed. Pretty soon B wanted to relocate from the kitchen area to the family room where H and B’s wife were sitting. He pulled me onto his lap and started kissing my neck. B was already hard and I was wet in no time! We couldn’t wait and started fucking in the chair while we were both still fully dressed…it was H-O-T! H and B’s wife meanwhile were getting down to business on the couch but soon relocated to the bedroom and our king sized bed. B and I could hear them going at it, but we were busy soaking the couch and both of us. I can’t remember the last time I squirted so hard or so much!!!

Eventually B and I made it to the bedroom to join H and B’s wife. The king size bed and mirrored closet doors made for a great view for all involved. Eventually we all slowed down and B’s wife and I decided to take some time paying attention to one another with the men on either side of us. Neither B nor his wife have ever had anal sex, but I told her how much I love DP and how intense it is, which got her curious. I was prepared with lube and Booty Ease (sold by Pure Romance). I went to town on B’s wife; fingering her, eating her out, and playing with her ass. In no time flat she was moaning, breathing hard, flushed and tensing up. I had three fingers in her ass and four in her pussy and had to back off repeatedly so she wouldn’t orgasm before I had a chance to really enjoy her gorgeous body. I finally let her cum and it was beautiful. She is so amazing and I loved showing her how good she could feel doing something for the first time. At one point I was covered in sweat and cum and decided to go rinse off in the shower. I’d warned both B and his wife early on that I have issues with water, and I had since explained to B that E nearly drowned me more than once in a shower. Friday night I was comfortable enough that I gave an open invitation for anyone to join me to rinse off in the shower, which was a huge deal for me. B’s wife ended up joining me and I didn’t feel threatened at all; in fact, I really enjoyed it! Hopefully it will be that easy when B and I finally shower together too.

By the time we were done sexing each other up it was pushing 2 a.m. I did NOT want them to leave. I wanted the four of us to go to bed and sleep together. That’s probably what I would consider my wildest fantasy. It didn’t happen, B and his wife took off and went home as I knew they would. H and I knocked out our “bonus round” as I like to call it – H and I always have sex just the two of us after an experience with other people – and we slept soundly. Saturday morning I met up with B’s wife and we ended up at a local Shari’s where we ate and talked for hours. We really got to know each other and have an amazing amount in common. I freely admit I’ve continued to hold certain things back from both her and B, including my history of self injury and having affairs with married men. My plan is to tell B these things as soon as I get a chance to one-on-one, I think it will go a long way toward helping me let go of my remaining fear that B won’t truly want me once he gets to know the real me. After I tell him I will tell his wife. She and I really bonded Saturday morning and it was not a moment too soon!

B and I have been texting a lot and talking about our fears in this polyamorous relationship. We’ve been helping each other feel better overall, and I’m grateful the lines of communication seem to be so open between the four of us so far. I really hope that lasts. For my part I’m truly fighting my instincts every step of the way to let them in, and the rewards so far are beyond my wildest imagination. I want this so badly. B and I have also continued to discuss BDSM here and there and I am more confident than ever that we will at least try it, I just want to take things slow. I was even brave enough to tell him my fantasy of being spanked with a leather belt! He didn’t act shocked with I was very grateful for. However, none of the four of us have ever been in a polyamorous relationship before and we have two separately established marriages to maintain as we get to know each other and discover what we want. It’s very strange to have all of the intense feelings I associate with dating when I’m already married and have commitments on my time that I can’t unilaterally change. It’s complicated and confusing, but so worth it. I am absolutely falling in love with both B and his wife. It’s terrifying to be so emotionally invested, and yet I can’t not be. I’m trying really hard to take things at a responsible pace with B…I keep reminding us both that we have time. I think at this point it’s challenging in a good way for us both – even if it does leave us constantly craving more. There is so much more that we’ve talked about and that I’ve learned which is worth discussing, but I’d better call it a night. More to come in the Cloverleaf Chronicles ❤

Letting Go

Last weekend H and I went to a big celebration for a member of his family’s 80th birthday. There were a lot of people there, many of whom I’d never met before as they live in other states. I wasn’t exactly looking forward to the party but I didn’t have a way out of it, so we went. I spent the majority of the time sitting alone drinking and socialized minimally. Toward the end of the evening people had mostly left and those that were still around I know and like. I decided to hang out with other people finally.

Instead of enjoying some time with the family members I actually know and like, everyone was picking on me. I was being teased about all kinds of stuff, and I really wasn’t in the mood to take it. Unfortunately H’s family doesn’t back off when they should. I got pretty agitated and went inside, where I was immediately teased by someone else. I went back outside to more teasing and at this point was royally pissed off. I told H we needed to go home and said goodbye to the family outside. One of the younger guys (maybe a cousin?) patted me on top of the head. I was furious! Just because he is tall and I am short does not give him the right to touch me like that. I went inside to say goodbye to the rest of the family and get the hell out of there.

I walked inside and said, “The next person who pats me on top of the head is losing an arm!” I then proceeded to hug my mother-in-law goodbye and moved on to my father-in-law. In the mood I was in, I stood next to him and offered only a one arm half-hug. He returned it so his arm was behind my back. Everything was fine until his other arm, which I couldn’t see clearly as it was on the opposite side of his body from me, reached for my head. Before I even realized anything had happened, my other hand had come up, intercepted his hand and I saw his head snap back. I immediately let go, asked if he was alright and apologized. Needless to say he was not happy.

My in-laws didn’t know that I’m a survivor of domestic violence, but they did know that I have over a decade of martial arts training. When my father-in-law moved his hand toward my face with his other arm around me blocking my escape I was suddenly consumed by uncontrollable fear. I reacted purely on instinct to defend myself. Unfortunately I did so in a family setting where I was not in any danger. H and my in-laws were understandably shocked and upset. I was so upset I was suicidal. I didn’t tell anyone that part.

After we got home and I had explained to H as best I could what had happened and why, I called my father-in-law to apologize again. He was clearly still upset but wanted to let it go and accepted my apology. H wasn’t quite so forgiving and made me promise to get help, as he thinks I may have PTSD. I agreed to try to find a psychiatrist. I had actually tried that in the last year and was unsuccessful as I couldn’t find one in my insurance network who was accepting new patients. However, I’m looking once again. After that H said that everything was okay, but I certainly was not okay.

I determined that the only way I would feel things were truly okay between myself and my in-laws would be if I told them about my past abuse so that they had as complete an explanation as I am capable of offering for why I attacked my father-in-law. H and I met them for dinner Thursday night and I told them. It was incredibly difficult and I was truly afraid they wouldn’t want me anymore once they knew. Luckily I was wrong, they still love me and were grateful I opened up and told them. H assured me this would be the case, but that did nothing to assuage my emotional reactions to the thought of telling them.

Ever since I told them I have been in a much better place emotionally. I’ve smiled and laughed, and I’m no longer suicidal. I made the right decision in trusting my in-laws with something I don’t like to discuss or share, and I think our relationships are stronger now. I have committed to H that I will seek help to diagnose and treat PTSD, and I am ok with that.