Last week was rough. Monday our cloverleaf broke up. Tuesday we put it back together. Wednesday I saw both B and his wife during a break at work and my lunch respectively. I kissed both of them. Wednesday night B and I talked on the phone for our first nightly “date”. B asked what the high and low points of my day were. It took me a while to come up with an answer for the low point, but the high point was easy – kissing him! After we got off the phone H asked what we’d talked about and I told him B asked what my high and low points were. H then asked what my answer was, so I told him. H was furious that I’d kissed B. H felt betrayed as we’d all agreed to be “just friends” the night before. H said he wasn’t even sure he was ever going to be okay “playing” with B and his wife again because things had fallen apart so abruptly and completely. H explained that his trust and confidence in the situation between us had been completely shattered. I felt terrible. Unfortunately, I then had to admit I’d also kissed B’s wife that day. It was a bad night for H and I.
My faith and trust was shaken by the events of last week, but after B and I talked one-on-one in person I felt better and was back to the same place I’d been before. I had no idea that H’s reaction was so much worse than mine. I’m in love with B and his wife; I would have no idea how to be “just friends” (whatever that means!) with them. I understood that we were taking sex off the table for the moment to work on creating stability in our network, which I was okay with even if I wasn’t thrilled about it. I believed that removing sex would give us a chance to improve our communication and all feel emotionally secure in our relationships again, which is of the utmost importance. However, taking out all physical contact and other forms of intimacy never occurred to me. I was devastated that H felt I’d betrayed him and that I’d let him down. We were up very late and I was exhausted Thursday morning. I knew that H would eventually forgive me, but I had no idea how long the wait would be. I send B and his wife both messages first things Thursday morning letting them know what happened, and they also were upset as nobody had intended to hurt H or break the brand new agreement we’d just come to the day before.
Thank goodness for B’s wife. She talked to H Thursday morning before they went to work (B and I were both already at work) and honestly I’m not sure what she said to him but it helped H a lot. H told me later that morning that he had moved from “angry” to “disappointed”. H still hadn’t forgiven me, but the four of us made plans to meet that night and talk about our relationships. Later that afternoon H let me know that he had indeed forgiven me, which made a tremendous difference. The four of us spent a couple of hours talking that night, discussing terminology, commitment and communication primarily. We agreed that we are all in a committed relationship and that we all want a future together. B and his wife want to eventually have another baby, and would also like to move to Hawaii some day. The four of us discussed these topics and agreed that we would tackle this together if and when they happened and that neither a baby nor a move to Hawaii would mean the end of us. In addition, we all agreed that we are past “friends-with-benefits”. I said that I don’t view B and his wife as “partners” because to me that means something is permanent, and we just aren’t there yet (yesterday was the six week mark for us). I explained that I view H as my partner because he and I are forever; I also admitted that I wanted them to be my partners as well and I wanted that commitment level in the future. All four of us agreed that we want the same things, that we want to be together.
Friday was the best day I’d had in a long time. My cloverleaf were all on the same page; I admit I still need to tell H that I’m in love with B and his wife, and they with me, but after our discussion Thursday I truly don’t believe it will be a problem. Saturday was a busy day as I moved my horse to a different boarding facility, but today H and I spent the entire day at the beach with B, his wife and their daughter. We had an amazing time and I bonded with their daughter more than I’ve had a chance to previously. B and his wife were both very impressed by how good I am with her and glad I enjoyed spending time with her so much. What can I say – I love kids. I still don’t know that I’d be able emotionally to handle a child of my own, but I do long for children to love – there’s no denying that. The four of us are continuing to weave deeper, stronger bonds and I believe at this point we are all feeling far more stable in our network than we ever have before. In addition to all the emotional goo, the sexual chemistry has continued to amp up. With any luck, we will be back to hitting the sheets some time this week 🙂