I had a dream last night that really upset me. I’m not even sure where to begin explaining.
As I’ve referenced in other posts, I still have secrets from B and his wife. Admitting my history as a survivor of domestic violence to them was a big step, but there is more I need to tell them. I started with that secret because I don’t feel shame or guilt about it most of the time any more. I understand that I was a victim and it wasn’t my fault. My other secrets however? I still feel culpable for both my decisions and the results. That makes it far more difficult to admit to my history of self harm and affairs with married men.
Enter my dream last night. I think my subconscious is afraid that I am going to sabotage this very new and beautiful relationship the four of us are developing. I could go in to far more detail, but the short version is Mr. Casual Friday was naked in bed with a woman while I was in the room. I tried not to watch them but failed to resist completely. He was gorgeous, all sexy and sweaty and rippling muscles. As I was building up the courage to walk out of the room he turned his full attention on me. I wanted him but he is married and I would never want to hurt B. He persisted and got some of my clothes off. I woke before we made it all the way, but I was feeling incredibly guilty and disappointed in myself both in my dream and once I was awake.
B knows about my crush on Mr. Casual Friday and teases me about it occasionally. I’ve made it clear to B that I am not looking for more partners at this point nor will I be at any time in the near future. I always imagined four, and I think my instincts were right. I think four is a good balance and is enough for me without being too much. Anyway, B has no reason to feel threatened by Mr. Casual Friday, but the alpha male in him still makes itself known occasionally in a devastatingly attractive way! So, I need to tell both B and his wife the secrets I’m still holding back. I need to know that they want me in spite of past mistakes. And I need to stop fantasizing about Mr. Casual Friday. It’s very clear to me all of a sudden that I’d far rather be fantasizing about my cloverleaf 🙂