Today I told B about the abuse I endured when I was 18. It was a big step with him because I know he is attracted to damaged girls and likes to feel needed. I like B and I want him, but I don’t need him. I want our relationship to be healthy for both of us (as well as our spouses!), so telling him things that make me feel vulnerable and make him feel the urge to protect me is of some concern. I think the conversation went well, he was supportive and sensitive without overreacting in any way. B had some questions based on things we’ve talked about that I could only answer with this story, and I felt like I was creating drama by hiding this secret. So, I took the plunge.
This was the first time I’ve discussed the abuse since I came to terms with some of it earlier this year. The experience was interesting; I’ve definitely let go of most of the shame and guilt that I use to feel. I am really proud of myself for no longer believing the abuse was my fault and blaming myself. I think the fact that I have a healthier understanding of what happened helped prevent issues arising when I told B. I don’t think I came off as a broken girl, I think I came off as a survivor. B is so kind and attentive I don’t know why every girl who knows him isn’t in love with him! He was very grateful that I was willing to talk to him about this aspect of my past, and I think it helped strengthen our developing relationship. Hopefully B’s reaction is a positive sign for how he will handle learning more of my secrets and my dark past, particularly the things that I do still feel shame or guilt about. At this point I believe things are going to be serious between us and I think I will tell him everything about my past. I just hope opening up and trusting him with everything ends up being a positive for us and not a negative.
That’s all for now, more to come!