Next Steps

B is not so vanilla as I’d thought! We have been talking almost non-stop for over a week now, and I’m finally beginning to let him in. It’s terrifying, but he’s worth it. Anyway, one of the things I decided to tell him was that I’m submissive, both sexually and otherwise. I also admitted that I’m a masochist. Turns out he fantasizes about being dominant and causing pain!? He hasn’t ever been in a BDSM relationship, in fact he’s never even had anal sex! But, H was pretty darn vanilla when we met too and now he’s in to all kinds of kink. No wonder the connection between myself and B is so strong, we are complementary to one another.

B admitted quite a few things yesterday while we were talking, including the fact that it wasn’t his intention to develop feelings for me. We’ve both agreed that we don’t know how to describe our connection, but we both feel it and want it. Last week while H was out of town I had a really rough day at work and ended up not talking to B at all that evening. B told me last night that his wife was consoling him about the fact that “I hadn’t heard from the girl I like” that night. How amazing is he!? Admitting those kinds of things and allowing himself to be vulnerable with me after only about a week! I’m really impressed. B is so open and honest, he’s really winning me over fast. B wants to know the real me, which isn’t something I share with anyone usually. Aside from H I really only have one friend I’m open with and that’s it. Nobody else. B knows this and has assured me repeatedly he’s willing to both work to earn my trust and wait for it to develop. I’m falling for him hard.

B also told me that he’s been called “Daddy” in bed and loved it. I asked him if DD/lg or DD/bg meant anything to him and it didn’t, he had to look it up. So he is for sure a BDSM virgin. Then again, I practically am too. Thanks to past abuse I have a pretty good idea of what I can and can’t handle, but consensual pain would be something of a brave new world for me to explore if I ever get the chance. B wants to know my secrets, he actually said at one point, “I want all your baggage.” He admitted he’s drawn to damaged girls, he wants to save them. But he also said he knows he is a married man and can’t save damaged girls, can “only be their friend and fuck buddy apparently”. I’m not sure yet if things between us would be a healthy relationship, but I’m hopeful that if we are invested in it and work at it we could keep it healthy for both of us. His wife started calling me B’s girlfriend after he was so disappointed the night he didn’t hear from me and I have to admit, I love knowing someone’s calling me his girlfriend. I’m not sure “dating” applies in our situation, but that’s sure what it feels like. It’s fun and challenging and interesting and the highlight of my day!

B’s birthday is coming up soon, which he failed to tell me about. Luckily his wife knows him well and made sure to inform me. Now the difficulty is figuring out what to do! I want to acknowledge it without making a big deal. I’d love to give him a small gift, but I don’t really know enough about him yet to have any ideas. I designed a card on my computer for him today, but it’s still up in the air as far as if he will get anything with the card. I know he doesn’t want a big deal made out of his birthday but that he does want to feel cared about. So, that’s my goal. Hopefully I will have a brilliant idea as to a small, appropriate token of my appreciation for him before the big day!

Anyway, it’s probably sounding like B is the center of my universe right now. I admit he is garnering a good deal of my attention, but things with H and I are really good right now too. I’m so glad he’s back from his trip out of town and we have been doing well. H and I are talking and spending time together, even if we are sometimes both texting B and his wife while in bed with one another 😛 I’m also slowly building a relationship with B’s wife, but to be honest I really only have the energy to do it with one person at a time. I talk to her daily, so she’s not being left out at all and I know H and her have been talking a lot, so I’m not concerned at this point that anyone is feeling left out. B’s wife and I were talking about our husbands today and how we want them to become buddies, but we agreed there isn’t much we can do to precipitate that. We just have to be patient and let it happen naturally, which I think it will as we all spend more time together.

Listen to me talking about the four of us as if we’re already my longed for poly group! I’m not saying that’s going to happen for us, but I’m not saying we won’t end up there either. At this point I’m just living in the moment and enjoying what I have. I’m certainly open to whatever possibilities the future may hold, but I’m not expecting anything. In fact, I’m more likely waiting for it to all fall apart on us. But in the mean time I’m stretching myself and my boundaries and trying very hard to form friendships and intimate relationships that are something more than casual with people who will actually know the real me. That is something new and different! Anyway, the four of us have still only met in person the one time. We are tentatively planning to play this coming weekend and let me tell you this week cannot possibly go by quickly enough! Here’s hoping we all fit and hold everything together going forward, because I want this life. It’s scary to admit, but I want the whole package. A couple more people to love and cherish, a girl to fuck regularly, a couple guys so I’m never without a hard cock when I’m horny and a dash (or more!) of BDSM. Ahh, heaven! Wish me luck…

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