As I mentioned in my last post Swinging, BDSM, Kink and Polyamory – The Story of Me I was feeling run down and deep in “sub zone” yesterday. I admit these feelings have not abated, yet I am coping far better today. Here’s why…
I woke up this morning to an unexpected realization: H being gone is very difficult for me. This is the first time since we began living together years ago that I’ve remained home while he went out of town as neither of our jobs require travel. Of course I already knew all of this, but when thinking about H’s absence I was focusing on the things I was enjoying such as the peace and quiet. I’ve also been extremely horny lately and once I reach a certain level of desperation I have trained myself to start ignoring my body. I reached this point approximately a week ago. My pain level also plays a part in this, as I will do the same thing absent arousal if I’m in enough pain. Yay for old injuries! Anyway, for about the last week the combination of my levels of arousal and pain haven’t dropped low enough for me to return to listening to my body.
One of the results of ignoring my body recently is that I didn’t eat for about a week. I feel fine, I’ve just had no appetite. I knew at some point this would become an issue, but I’m not willing to eat when I’m not hungry. I finally ate something this afternoon, so hopefully that will do me some good. The other physical need I’ve been ignoring, this one without consciously realizing it, is the need for physical affection. It’s no secret to anyone who reads my blog that I’m a very sexual person, but I am also a highly physical person aside from my sexuality. I need a lot of physical contact to be happy and to feel like myself. I failed to realize until this morning that I have not been getting any physical affection since H went out of town. This is not a desire, it is a need of mine. Without physical affection I spiral out of control emotionally and become extremely unhealthy in many aspects of my life. Unfortunately, I’m speaking from experience here.
So, although nothing has been fixed, I have at least identified the problem which I wasn’t even aware existed. I now understand that my mood is a reaction to something specific which has a finite time frame. I know when H will be back and when I will start receiving physical affection again – I know this isn’t going to last forever. No wonder I plummeted so deeply into sub zone, at least being dominated would involve my body being used!
Speaking of my need to submit, there’s a guy I know whom I haven’t mentioned before, but now may be the time. O and I were fuck buddies for a short period of time years ago, and I stopped meeting up with him when I met H. We reconnected occasionally over the years, and he married as well. O was still interested in fucking me but not comfortable with H being involved. So although it was fun to flirt and reminisce I didn’t think anything would happen. I don’t recall any more what exactly did happen, but I ended up telling O about this blog and the fact that I’m submissive. He is very interested in dominating me. We’ve been in contact for at least the last couple of months I’d say, and I desperately want to do everything we have discussed. The problem is he still isn’t really comfortable with H being involved and now H and I are embarking on this involvement with B and his wife, which all signs indicate will be BDSM free. Are my needs never going to be met? The main reason O and I haven’t played has been scheduling issues, but I just don’t know if things keep not working out for us for a reason I heard from him today saying he is free tomorrow, but I’ve already committed to babysitting for a friend, plus H will still be out of town. I wish juggling my desires, my marriage, playmates and real life wasn’t such a constant struggle! Here’s hoping things get easier soon.
Going back to the topic of B and his wife, he and I spent a lot of time texting today rather than just sexting (which I admit is what our conversations have primarily focused on so far). He had already told me he wants to be friends, but today we actually talked about ourselves some in the way you do when you’re getting to know a new friend. I shared things about myself that I don’t talk about lightly, including some about how I view the world and how I organize my life. The conversation was difficult for me because I was placing more trust in him by opening up, but I also really enjoyed getting to know more about him. B also told me at least a couple of times that he appreciated me talking more about myself, and I enjoyed knowing I’d made him happy. I also appreciate that B has a least some understanding of the fact that I don’t open up to people and it’s kind of a big deal that I’m willing to even take these baby steps with him. B is an intelligent, handsome, honest and kind guy. He’s a real catch, and I’m flattered that he truly wants to be my friend. I just hope that if/when he learns about how I became who I am he will still be interested in friendship with me. I fear the truth will show him I’m not worth his friendship; if it does, I wouldn’t even blame him. I think that’s just about enough for today. Time for the weekend!