Disenchanted

I had another rape dream last night. That’s not at all uncommon for me, however this one was different in a major way: I was male. As I mentioned in my post Gender Fluidity, I am male in about 50% of my dreams. In spite of this, I’ve always been female in rape dreams until now. I find that rape dreams really stick with me, this one is no exception. My emotions were identical, and even the plot was basically unaltered. The attacker (in this case a woman) was belligerent, I wasn’t able to get her to calm down, and she overpowered me. The fear I felt practically paralyzed me, and I knew I could not, would not, escape. There was no hope. Enter yet another twist: I was rescued.

I’ve never had a rape dream before where the attack was prevented. I’ve never been able to fight off my attacker, sometimes I didn’t even try. And nobody has ever attempted, let alone succeeded! in protecting me from an attack. After so many years of rape dreams, I’m aware of my usual reaction and mostly okay with it – that is, I usually feel upset and shaken for up to several days. Seems like a healthy enough response to me, so I let myself feel those things and let it pass without additional concern. This time, I’m not sure what I’m feeling or how I should feel. I think I’m relieved that I wasn’t actually raped, as that seems like an improvement. However, was that just because my unconscious mind thinks I wouldn’t have to fear if I was male? Or am I feeling safer, more confident and less distrustful of the world around me and that’s why the rape was prevented? If so, I can’t be too improved if I’m still dreaming of near-rape, right? I’m confused…that’s about the only feeling I can identify at the moment.

Now I’m feeling after effects from a dream in which I wasn’t raped…how do I handle that? If I can’t even sort out my emotions, how do I acknowledge them, feel them and let them pass? Should I be feeling so much from dreaming of not being raped? Hell if I know!

I love sex, but it can be so complex. I feel like my life revolves around sex. There’s the people I do have sex with, the people I want to have sex with, the people who want to have sex with me; there’s how I feel when I’m having a lot of sex, how I feel when I’m having less sex, and how I feel when I’m not having any sex. Then there’s the issue of flirting; for instance in my post Casual Friday I talked about a coworker I’m wildly attracted to, and I interpret his words and actions as flirting with me on a regular basis. However, I’m constantly holding back, concerned that if I let myself go and responded as is natural to me, I’d be slapped with sexual harassment in the workplace so quick it’d make my head spin. So, now I feel like sex is defining me and my relationships with others. No wonder I haven’t been happy lately.

Feeling like sex controls my life is hardly a new revelation, I’ve been dealing with this since I was a teenager. What about before that? Well, I felt it was perfectly acceptable to make decisions according to my own wishes, regardless of the impact on others. My entire life revolved around the manipulation of others – I was quite skillful. Sound a bit far-fetched for a child? Growing up the way I did, I knew nothing else. No wonder I have had to work so hard, always had to fight for happiness. First my life revolved around manipulation, now I’m controlled by sex. I wish I could see life in another way. Let’s be honest, manipulation has a whole lot to do with sex, so I’ve hardly divorced myself from that modus operandi.

H and I haven’t been having hardly any sex for the last month plus. I was really sick with a virus so he wouldn’t have sex with me, but he promised we’d have a sex marathon when I felt better as he was feeling horny also. Then when I was feeling better, H seemed to constantly not be in the mood or have an excuse to say no. We had sex a couple of times, but not anywhere near our usual rate. Then, with awesome timing as usual, I had terrible menstrual cramps. Once again, I didn’t feel well enough for sex. But, that only lasted a couple of days. So why on earth have I not been getting laid since then!? What happened to my promised sex marathon???

Compounding all of this, my submissive needs continue to grow stronger and more clear, and continue to be ignored completely. H and I often have to work hard on our communication with one another, so I suppose it’s not too far fetched to think that he truly didn’t understand what I was telling him when I admitted that I’m submissive. The problem is, I don’t know how to bring it up. In the past, every time I’ve ever admitted being dissatisfied with the amount of sex we’re having, it’s always turned into a huge damn deal. I think H can’t help but take it as an insult to his masculinity. So, if he is likely to get upset when all I want is more sex, it seems unlikely he would take my masochistic requests well. I admit, fear is certainly playing a part in my hesitation, but I know I can overcome that since I’ve talked to H before about my being submissive. I think the real problem is I don’t know how to make him understand. Until I figure that out, I’m not sure discussion could do anything other than push us apart, which is the last thing I want.

I’ve been considering talking to H about DD/lg dynamics, as he might be more receptive to the nurturing nature of a DaddyDom. Then again, neither of us have had great relationships with our fathers, so he might get caught up on the “Daddy” part and freak out before I can explain. Also, I really don’t want to go in to that if I’m not interested in being little – which is something I’m still exploring. I would love to be exploring what I want with H rather than on my own, but I don’t see how that’s possible. Right before I got sick I bought some fresh ginger and was hoping he would try figging with me, but alas we never had the chance. So much for that attempt!

I’m continuing to brain storm and work on myself, and I figure I’ve got a long way to go yet. I am deeply in love with H and am so grateful he is in my life and loves me too. I want everything else to be surface concerns compared to our love, but that doesn’t seem to be how life works. Communication, sex and everything else we deal with in our every day lives impacts us, our feelings and our relationship. I’m far from a master at navigating everything, but I hope I’m learning and improving. Right now I’m feeling frustrated, tired of working so hard at everything, lonely, horny, sad, and generally disenchanted with life. I hope I’m able to move past these feelings soon and be happier. I spend every day trying to focus on the good as much as possible, but I’m telling you between a lack of sex and a lack of submission in my life, I’m currently loosing the battle. Wish me luck…

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