I’ve started a new SSRI drug for my anxiety, escitalopram, and as all SSRIs, it works very slowly. I’ve been having bad nausea as a side effect and also been more anxious in general. Yesterday I was seeing a friend, who gave me a bunch of spare needles they didn’t intend to use. I wasn’t going to do anything but I really felt like I wanted to calm down and so I figured I’d do a little solo needle play.
It’s a strange feeling, really. It’s so meditative and so calming and not sexual at all, even if the urge and the reaction is still there, only very hidden. I acknowledge the fact that if I was in the right company, I would probably by climbing the walls and begging to be fucked, and not very calm at all, but I’m not, and instead it’s so…
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If you’ve read my post Seduction (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-dD), you already know about Z, the hottie from my gym. Let me just start off by saying now I remember why being single sucks! Surprise surprise, things didn’t go as planned this week.
I did go to Z’s class Monday, however he didn’t take the time to talk to me one-on-one after, which is unusual. Plans dashed, I went home and started scheming. I decided to go ahead and take a more active approach, which I had initially discarded as an option. I’ve found it’s always best for my targets to think they’re pursuing me rather than vice versa. For Z I decided to make an exception (mistake #1). I knew Z’s first name, as it’s published on the website of my gym, however I had no idea what his last name is. He’s Mexican, so I assumed even if I had his last name he’d be nearly impossible to locate online. I was wrong. Inside of 10 minutes after I began searching for him, I’d found not only his last name but also his Facebook page. I went ahead and sent him a friend request (mistake #2). Reminder to self: No, it is not in fact a good idea to add people as friends on Facebook simply because they’re hot/I want to get them in bed.
Z accepted my friend request, and on Tuesday I saw he was online, so I IM’d him (mistake #3). I wanted to get to know him a little better and yes, flirt. We chatted for nearly two hours. While covering the basics such as what we do for work, I found out that he owns his own business in addition to teaching at my gym. Cool. He spent a lot of time telling me about his business and his ideas about how he wants to live his life. I was gaining a bit more insight into his worldview, which is what I was after. He said he’d love to meet me and tell me more about his business. YES PLEASE! He suggested lunch, which doesn’t work well with my schedule. We agreed to meet the following evening, after the dance class at the gym (yesterday). By that point I was coursing with excited/nervous energy. Only problem? I wasn’t sure how H would react. I didn’t tell him right away, and instead spent Tuesday evening and yesterday thinking about what to say. Turns out H was invited to a family outing in a nearby town yesterday evening, which just so happened to start at the same time as my class at the gym. That combined with the hot weather heating up our house gave me the perfect excuse to say I’d be home later than usual. I told H I wasn’t sure what I’d do to entertain myself, but that I’d find something.
Flash forward to the end of my class at the gym; I did my cool down stretching and drove to the address Z gave me. In spite of the fact that I used my navigation, I was very concerned I might be lost! Z told me we were meeting at a nutrition club, similar to the one he owns in a different city. I drove around the parking lot, but it was like I was in little Mexico! It took me a couple laps before I spotted the tiny storefront of the Wellbeing Club. Just as I finally figured out where I was suppose to be, I saw Z pull in to the parking lot. So, I parked and got out of my car. I was immediately greeted by the driver of the car next to mine, a gal I know from the gym. She was excited I’d “decided to try it!” Huh? Apparently, this is a group thing. Not what I was expecting, but far simpler to explain to H. So in we go, and there are 5 of us total. Two of the gals I’d never met before but had seen that evening at the gym. The place is completely full of Hispanics; myself and one other girl from the gym were the only white people in the place. Awkward.
Now might be a good point to mention that I really don’t see myself as racist, but I certainly can come off that way at times. I believe in calling things as they are – not very PC. When I was a teenager I went through a lengthy “Mexican Phase”, where I only dated/fucked Mexican guys. What can I say? I’m into darker skin and black hair! Plus I find accents super sexy. However, between both V & E being Mexican, I swore off Mexicans when I was in college. If you don’t know the stories there, check out my posts Playing With Fire (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-bN), Consent (http://wp.me/s4jKhN-consent) and Power and Control: Understanding Abuse, and How BDSM is Different (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-bY). I later dated an awesome Mexican guy, D, who I met on a dating website, and he was totally worth breaking that rule for. Long story short, we never slept together and are still friends 🙂 We had a ton of fun while we were dating, and hopefully I will still get him in bed one of these days! So – I like Mexicans. Really, I do! But I’m also more uneasy around Mexican men because of E. It’s not fair, but it’s also not my fault that I was a victim of domestic violence or that I have trust issues.
So, back to the Wellbeing Club with Z and the other three gals. I knew that Z’s business was about nutrition, but I didn’t realize it was the magical weight loss shake variety of “nutrition”. I’m not saying it doesn’t work, but I am not at all interested. I also have food allergies, and am very cautious about consuming new things for that reason. I ended up trying two of the three parts of this “nutrition plan”, but I only had a small amount, which both Z and the owner were not pleased about. Too damn bad! I will put in my body what I want to – I am not required to consume things simply because that would be more polite! Whilst I was trying my “nutrition shake”, Z proceeded to pitch his business to me: classic pyramid scheme. Again, I’m not saying that it can’t or doesn’t work. I’m sure it does work for at least some people, or such schemes wouldn’t be so popular. What I do know however, again, is that I. Am. Not. Interested. Z pitched his business to me for nearly two hours. Now, I had agreed to meet with him so he could tell me more about his business. I did not agree to be pitched his business – and yes, there is a difference.
In addition to my extensive martial arts training & my innate trust issues, I also have difficulty hearing. I wear hearing aids. It’s not something I discuss much or share often, however it does affect my comfort level in certain types of environments. In particular, I have a lot of difficulty understanding people with accents, and hearing in noisy environments. It’s a documented medical condition, not an excuse! The Wellbeing Club was very noisy, and of course Z has a thick accent. I had to concentrate very hard to understand him. Also, I was in an unfamiliar place, surrounded by people I barely know. It’s fair to say I was on high alert the entire time. It was *not* a fun couple of hours for me. It was exhausting, and by the end of it Z was coming off as very judgmental after I’d made it clear multiple times I wasn’t interested in getting involved in this “nutrition” business. He was rather slow, but eventually picked up on how unresponsive I was. He then started trying to get a lot more personal, and not in the way I was hoping prior to meeting up with him! He continuously asked me, “Why?” As a former extremely successful salesman, I get what he was doing and why. That doesn’t make me interested in participating! I didn’t say this to him, but the bottom line is I don’t have to prove anything to him (or anyone else!), and I don’t have to explain my life or my choices to him either. Z genuinely believes his way is the best way, and I get that he was trying to be helpful. Problem is, he failed miserably in my case.
Z doesn’t know me at all. He doesn’t know my past, he doesn’t know my strengths or my weaknesses. He underestimated me, and while I normally don’t mind that, I was quite annoyed by the extend to which he talked down to me last night. Z also has a very different outlook on life than I do. Z cares about money, and I’d be happy living penniless in a monastery, meditating all day. Z had some valid points in the reasons he gave for why his business plan makes sense, but that still doesn’t make it the right fit for me. At one point he actually had the balls to tell me I was being defensive. I explained that answering his “Why?” questions would require a lot of personal information to answer fully, and self-disclosure isn’t something I’m big on. I told him that I’m not defensive so much as I’m only giving partial answers to his questions. Z immediately “reassure” me that I don’t have to tell him any personal information. Bull Shit! That’s exactly what he was after, as getting to know more about me is the only chance he had at trying to figure out how to sell me on his business. I know, inside and out, how to sell. I recognize all the tricks when they’re being used on me. At one point, I even had to tell Z, “I don’t want to play this game.” He was asking me about sales, and tried the old classic, “Try to sell me this pen.” If I was in a job interview for a sales position, no problem. When YOU are pitching YOUR business to ME, there is no way in hell I’m going to prove MY skills to YOU. Amusingly, Z also tried (several times) to reassure me that the business isn’t about sales. Ha. Ha. Ha!
After a couple of exhausting hours, I finally escaped (only because the place was closing!). I told H I’d gone to a nutrition place for a shake with some people from the class at the gym (totally true!), and tried the shake but didn’t actually have one (I was starving when I got home). I told H I really tried hard to make friends (also true!), but that I was very uncomfortable and not interested in the “nutrition” stuff they were all talking about (it was the only topic of conversation at our table, how boring!). I admit that I sometimes complain about not having any friends, so this was me making an effort at correcting that (otherwise, I would’ve left as soon as I realized it was a group get-together). However, I definitely wouldn’t be going there again. All true! H was glad I did something outside of my comfort zone with other people, and was glad to have me home. I, however, was not in a good mood. Next Monday is going to be awkward when I go to my regular class at the gym.
I took a sick day and didn’t go to work today as I was up most the night with pain in my back. I’ve had a kidney infection a couple of times in the past, so I went to the doctor today. Good news is no infection, just muscle spasms. Bad news is I took a sick day for no reason. Later I’m heading to my acupuncturist to get my back sorted out. I’m so glad they were able to fit me in on such short notice! Since I’ve been home all day, I’ve been keeping an eye on Facebook to see if Z will contact me about last night – or anything else… I haven’t heard from him, and I’m super curious to see what, if any, his next move will be. Sadly, I seriously doubt our interactions will recover from the disaster last night. Hence the title, my plans for seducing him have now been scrapped. I have no issue playing with people who have different beliefs and/or lifestyles than H and I do (hell, I could argue H & I have different lifestyles as I’m a sub and he does not seem in any way interested in BDSM), however I’m really not a big fan of people who don’t treat me with respect. I felt disrespected last night, because Z was trying so hard to sell me that he bulldozed over all my signals that he was pushing too hard and never backed down, even after calling ME out on being defensive! He did not respect my desire for privacy or space. He wanted me to sign up right now, and I was not hitching myself to that bandwagon.
Maybe it’s time to start focusing my energies on some of the lovely ladies at my gym!?
Last month I took the plunge and signed a 2 year contract at a local gym. I’ve been enjoying trying a variety of classes and found all the instructors and fitness coaches to be extremely friendly. At first I wrote this off as simply doing their jobs and assumed personality is a major recruiting point for such positions. However, as the weeks have gone by I’ve noticed a couple of people are definitely paying me more attention than they do other members. One is a fitness coach and the other is the instructor of one of the dance classes I really enjoy.
Now the fitness coach seems like a nice enough guy, but I’m not particularly attracted to him. The dance instructor, however, is an entirely different matter! Damn can that guy move…I wish my hips worked the way his do!!! Aside from his skills on the dance floor, the guy is ripped. He has a gorgeous smile and a big personality; he’s a total goofball and loves to make people smile and laugh.
Unlike most dance classes I’ve participated in, Z comes down off the stage and dances with us one on one at times. Dear god, that man can put his hands on me any time! He had made a point to chat with me after class nearly every time I’ve gone, and he is quite flirty. I learned a while back that he’s married, but hey so am I 😉
Last night after class I went to a different part of the gym for a bit more of a workout. 10 or 15 minutes later I was well and truly worn out, so I headed for the lobby and my car. I did not expect Z to be sitting in the lounge area, then immediately upon seeing me get up and head over to talk! Not that I minded one bit…we started talking and he told me he wanted to know more about me and kept asking me questions. It was flattering enough that I actually sat down with him and talked about myself, which is unlike me. I’m typically quite guarded with personal information (imagine why!?).
Pretty quickly my experience as a martial artist came up and Z mentioned he did karate as a kid and loved it. We also talked about dance and he fooled around a bit pretending he was going to punch or kick me. I went to block reflexively and he was impressed. We talked and played around for nearly half an hour before I decided I really needed to get home. At one point he put his hand on my lower abdomen and I grabbed it, however rather than remove it I held his hand in place. I didn’t even realize I’d done that until a few seconds later, then I was shocked to discover not only was I holding his hand captive, I was holding it against my body! I immediately let it go, but that confirmed in my mind that we are attracted to one another. I never let people I barely know touch me (except of course when H and I are playing lol).
Adrenaline was still pounding through me when I got home, and I couldn’t stop thinking about Z. I really want to get to know him better, talk to him more and spend time with him. Suddenly I was struck with an idea…he likes martial arts! It’s been years since I last had a partner to practice with, and I would certainly enjoy getting up close and personal with him 😉 Perhaps I can convince him to meet me at the gym to work out and I can teach him martial arts? Talk about a win-win! Then, he could always return the favor by dancing with me as he’s far more skilled in that area than myself. Pretty great fantasy I’ve worked out huh?
So, the next step is deciding how to implement my plan. I’m not planning to attend one of his classes again until next Monday, so I have a little time to ensure I’ve got the best approach. One of the things Z asked when we were talking was to see a video of me doing martial arts. That would be a lot of effort, however I could easily put an old picture on my cell to show him. I have a great one of me as a new black belt after my first competition holding three huge trophies…perhaps that would motivate him to agree?
Needless to say, I am very much looking forward to next Monday. I hope Z makes the effort to talk to me alone after class as he usually does so I can ask him about working out together one-on-one. H knows about the situation and asked me if I want to bring him home, which I didn’t answer. I would need to spend more time with him before deciding if he might be interested in playing and if he can be trusted to be discreet as I like my gym and don’t want my private life to be gossip there. Hopefully Z is as interested in spending more time with me as I am with him! Wish me luck 🙂
Since beginning this blog, I’ve been slowly connecting with other subs via their blogs. I’ve learned a lot, and am grateful to be connecting to an entire community of people who can relate to my experiences and desires. However, there’s a topic I haven’t yet addressed and I’d love to get other’s input.
As my “About” page explains, I am not in a BDSM relationship despite my desire for one. Nor have I ever been in one, although I have been abused. While I do understand the difference, I must admit as a masochist and a submissive I had a major identity crisis once free of the abuse. How was I suppose to separate my desires from the horrors I had encountered? How was I suppose to accept myself for who I am without also blaming myself for having been battered? It’s taken years, and the process is ongoing. However, I’m slowly getting there.
What I’ve been considering lately likely has more to do with my masochism than my submissiveness, and is rooted in my past. However, I am who I am because of where I’ve been. As a teenager I relied on self harming for a very long time. I doubt I will ever be free of the impulse, and sometimes I have to wonder what’s healthy and what isn’t. For example, in my post I Won’t Go Down Without A Fight (http://wp.me/p4jKhN-ck) I mentioned my outing to the Adult Store. In spite of the fact that I went specifically to purchase my first butt plug, my interest was caught by an entirely different product:
This Icicles No. 38 flogger’s handle is made out of hand blown glass, with swirls providing texture. It can be heated or cooled for temperature play and is body safe. It’s hardly new news to me that I want to be flogged, but I was totally unprepared for the visceral reaction I had to seeing this particular product. Sadly I didn’t buy it as I seriously doubt H would be okay with me even owning such a thing, let alone wanting to use it. However, not owning a flogger certainly hasn’t curtailed my fantasies in the least. I can’t hardly cum anymore without imagining being flogged, bound, humiliated etc. etc. Arriving at my point: how do you subs handle it when you don’t have a dom?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m an intelligent, strong woman. I have a successful career and know how to take care of myself, in addition to having a wonderful husband. I don’t need a keeper. What I haven’t figured out is how to handle my less vanilla needs, particularly since H isn’t interested in assisting with that. I suppose craving pain is normal for a masochist, right? So, it’s okay for me as a masochistic submissive to let someone else hurt me, but I can’t hurt myself…See where I’m confused? FML. Is it only motivation that makes hurting oneself bad? I did it out of desperation when I was younger; it was a way to exert control when I was powerless and a way to cope with emotional trauma. I made a promise to myself years ago to never again go to such atrocious lengths to survive. A promise I’ve never broken, but now the temptation has a different flavor. I don’t want to hurt myself because I hate myself, I want to hurt myself because nobody else will and I want the pain so badly, I crave it, I need it. I’m going crazy and I have no idea how to handle it.