My Fellow Lonely Subs

Since beginning this blog, I’ve been slowly connecting with other subs via their blogs. I’ve learned a lot, and am grateful to be connecting to an entire community of people who can relate to my experiences and desires. However, there’s a topic I haven’t yet addressed and I’d love to get other’s input. 


As my “About” page explains, I am not in a BDSM relationship despite my desire for one. Nor have I ever been in one, although I have been abused. While I do understand the difference, I must admit as a masochist and a submissive I had a major identity crisis once free of the abuse. How was I suppose to separate my desires from the horrors I had encountered? How was I suppose to accept myself for who I am without also blaming myself for having been battered? It’s taken years, and the process is ongoing. However, I’m slowly getting there. 


What I’ve been considering lately likely has more to do with my masochism than my submissiveness, and is rooted in my past. However, I am who I am because of where I’ve been. As a teenager I relied on self harming for a very long time. I doubt I will ever be free of the impulse, and sometimes I have to wonder what’s healthy and what isn’t. For example, in my post I Won’t Go Down Without A Fight ( I mentioned my outing to the Adult Store. In spite of the fact that I went specifically to purchase my first butt plug, my interest was caught by an entirely different product:




This Icicles No. 38 flogger’s handle is made out of hand blown glass, with swirls providing texture. It can be heated or cooled for temperature play and is body safe. It’s hardly new news to me that I want to be flogged, but I was totally unprepared for the visceral reaction I had to seeing this particular product. Sadly I didn’t buy it as I seriously doubt H would be okay with me even owning such a thing, let alone wanting to use it. However, not owning a flogger certainly hasn’t curtailed my fantasies in the least. I can’t hardly cum anymore without imagining being flogged, bound, humiliated etc. etc. Arriving at my point: how do you subs handle it when you don’t have a dom? 


Don’t get me wrong, I’m an intelligent, strong woman. I have a successful career and know how to take care of myself, in addition to having a wonderful husband. I don’t need a keeper. What I haven’t figured out is how to handle my less vanilla needs, particularly since H isn’t interested in assisting with that. I suppose craving pain is normal for a masochist, right? So, it’s okay for me as a masochistic submissive to let someone else hurt me, but I can’t hurt myself…See where I’m confused? FML. Is it only motivation that makes hurting oneself bad? I did it out of desperation when I was younger; it was a way to exert control when I was powerless and a way to cope with emotional trauma. I made a promise to myself years ago to never again go to such atrocious lengths to survive. A promise I’ve never broken, but now the temptation has a different flavor. I don’t want to hurt myself because I hate myself, I want to hurt myself because nobody else will and I want the pain so badly, I crave it, I need it. I’m going crazy and I have no idea how to handle it. 





13 thoughts on “My Fellow Lonely Subs

  1. yes, it is hard to be ownerless. I have found a lot of support from other subs though. I must admit my journey has been towards submission – I had thought of myself as only a masochist. I do love that too of course. God, I don’t know. I love the title of this post. You really pulled me in with that. I have some online friends now who are dommes, one in particular. And as you are a sub, you should definitely check out LK’s warren. That is an amazing and real space of discussion of stuff like this.


  2. LG, I have not experienced the past that you have. I can’t imagine the fear of slipping away into unhealthy masochism. But, I can tell you that I feel a little worried every time I ask for pain or when I get turned on by receiving pain. However, pain is a close cousin to pleasure. Maybe what is better now, is that this kind of pain has limits and you can either set them or your Dom can determine when it is too far. I’d say the danger for you is that the wrong man, who doesn’t love and care for you, would not understand when you shouldn’t go on. Because of your past, I’d hesitate to look outside your marriage because there are a lot of users looking to prey on needy subs.

    There are many ways to receive pain. When I first realized I wanted pain with sex, my very vanilla protective husband couldn’t see inflicting it on me. We started with nipple pain. He could handle that. In fact, he’s ramped it up in the lst several months and pushes me to safeword. He had to become comfortable with overcoming societal beliefs that hurting his wife was ok, if she liked it. Maybe your husband needs that same opportunity to ease into it. Can you talk about those limits with him? Do not hint. Be honest. Give him a chance, if you love him.

    Always here to talk or listen


  3. You’ve put your finger on the ache. I suppose my solutions are to masturbate and sublimate. I think it’s actually easier for a masochist than a sadist – we can pull out the wooden clothes pins, but who are they going to dominate, the cat? My sadist friend’s solution was to write stories, and I think reading her stories counts as emotional masturbation for me – I get to experience the emotions I need by putting myself in the place of her protagonist.

    I think BDSM friends help a lot too – they are not hitting the emotional needs exactly, but it really helps not to be so lonely and to talk with them about long-term plans for getting what I want, that’s why I think it’s sublimation. Sometimes the need still hits really hard, and they’re even more helpful then because I get tactful reminders why I don’t really want to go home with the first dom I meet.

    About self-injury, my sympathies, that is really tough. My conclusion in Abject Submission 3: Only the Gift is that it’s about how you feel afterwards. If an experience makes you feel violated and regretting that you did it, then I think it counts as self-injury, no matter what need it fulfills, or how compulsively you do it. Good BDSM isn’t like that, it makes you feel better. And I think aftercare might help to make some experiences good which would otherwise be awful. But I don’t know how relevant any of this is to your experience?


  4. I’m a sub. I’m a masochist. I’m lonely. There are lots of us. It sucks. Big time. But Angel is right. You have to be careful.


    • Thank you everyone for reading and sharing your thoughts and experiences with me. I simply cannot adequately express how grateful I am! Thanks in part to my past I am well aware of how careful I need to be, and have the utmost respect for ensuring my continued safety.

      Writing the body: do you have a link to LK’s warren? I’d love to check it out.

      Angel, what you said is in complete alignment with where H and I are, and I really appreciate seeing my thoughts reiterated in your comment. Thank you!

      Yingtai: I tried to follow your blog but was having difficulty with the site. Will try again later. On another note, your comment was 100% relevant to me. I too read BDSM erotica to try and help fulfill my needs, although I’m not convinced it actually helps. Regarding self harm, that was exactly what I was looking for, opinions on if I’m suppose to feel guilty for doing something that brings me pleasure and doesn’t otherwise cause any negative feelings? Thank you for your response to my post.

      Cinnamon, thank you for your support! Knowing other people encounter similar struggles helps me believe I’m not crazy even when my darker needs are at their strongest.


  5. Regarding automasochism, I can hopefully offer something to help.

    The healthiness of automasochism *is* a matter of intent.

    Hurting yourself because you *need* to feel pain in order to function or get a fix in some way is unhealthy, because it quickly becomes an addiction, a crutch, and a source of many problems both physical and mental. From what I glean of your past without actually reading your whole blog, you likely know this well. Experience of this is all the more reason to be wary of it, because proceeding with that wariness and caution will help you avoid slipping into old habits.

    Hurting yourself because you *want* to in order to feel pleasure can be healthy and fun, because you are — ideally — exploring these desires within reasonable limits and safe zones that will prevent you from descending into self-destructive habits, and also because you don’t *need* it, but are instead in control of it. Finding where your limits are can take a fair amount of thought and, yes, practice; but if you start slow and work your way up they aren’t that difficult to find safely. Having someone to fall back on and take care of you — H, though apparently not sadistic, can still be a beam of support and a safety guard — is that much better, because you won’t slip into past habits as easily as if you were truly alone.

    The difference thus becomes the difference between “harm” and “hurt.”

    Self-harm is destructive to the body and mind and should be avoided. I think you’ve experienced this and understand why.

    Self-hurt as it is practiced with safe automasochism can be pleasurable and fun, and causes no actual harm to your body or mind if you know your limits and stay within them. Just a few marks that heal quickly, if anything.

    A good sadist, or a good dominant of any sort, may hurt in many ways and for many reasons — but they will never intentionally harm. Accidents may happen simply because the world isn’t perfect and accidents happen, but harm will never be intentionally inflicted for any reason. This idea can easily be self-applied with automasochism.

    Automasochism or auto- anything can be a tricky subject to navigate, especially for someone with difficult previous experiences. I’d suggest that if you do pursue it, take it slow. Painfully slow. The further you want to go and the more you want to do, force yourself to slow down to make that sure you truly *truly* are ready for the next step.
    Enduring that sort of patience can in and of itself be an automasochsitic experience, and it will probably help you progress safely to great heights.

    Good luck.


    • Thank you for your response, this is exactly what I was hoping for. I haven’t found much about automasochism, but perhaps knowing the term will help! Your explanation makes a lot of sense, and your advice is sound. I really appreciate you reading my blog, as well as taking the time to reply. I will definitely give the topic more thought 🙂


      • It’s no problem at all. I have a fetish for studying all things kinky and a bigger fetish for explaining what I’ve figured out. Something to do with a thing called “ego,” or so I’ve been told.

        I hope things go well for you. It can be difficult going it alone, but there’s plenty of pleasure to have in that department even if you do have someone.


        • The way I see it, our lives are the product of our choices. If I want to enjoy mine to the fullest, I have to be willing to push boundaries and explore uncharted territory 🙂 I just want to do so cautiously, as I’ve previously learned there may be consequences I’m not prepared for if I rush into things.


          • Indeed, and as I said your caution is good. I admire it, because it demonstrates wisdom and a particular sort of self-awareness which will make your explorations safer and, ultimately, more fun.

            Pushing boundaries is necessary for growth, but I have a feeling that you are strong enough to handle whatever may lurk in those uncharted territories. Be patient and believe in yourself, and that alone will carry you far.


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