It’s a sub thing…

I have needs, and H doesn’t understand them. Not only does he not understand them, I can’t make him understand. We had sex last night and H inadvertently gave me a hicky. In my fantasy world, H did it on purpose, to mark me and possess me. To show that I’m his, that I belong to him. This was immediately shattered today when he realized he’d left a mark and apologized profusely. Any time he leaves a mark, a hicky, a bruise, anything, he always apologizes. Repeatedly. Even when I begged him: harder, more, please! He is always sorry. H doesn’t want to hurt me, doesn’t want to humiliate me, doesn’t want to own me. H doesn’t want the things I need, the things I crave. I want to be marked, bruised, forced.

I assume it’s the sub in me that is desperate for the physical marks, the proof that I’m wanted, needed even? I guess I can’t be sure as I don’t personally know any other subs, but that’s my assumption. I wish I knew how to relate the soul deep need, but I think only a Dom who feels the need to see it or a sub who feels the need to feel it can understand what I mean. The problem is that I’m not getting it; haven’t really ever gotten it. It’s not getting easier, it’s getting worse. I don’t know what to do. H & I had sex tonight. But, before hand I masturbated for nearly 45 minutes. Then part way into riding him I put in my Ben Wa Balls. After a bit H came and was done. I was horiner than ever. I fucked myself with one of my toys until I squirted, and all that did was continue to rev me up more.

I admit I’m a novice sub at best, but my fantasies drive me crazy. I want to be spanked, whipped, flogged, cut, I want searing hot wax dripped all over my body and clawed off. I imagine being forced to wear a butt plug all day (I’ve never used one), being denied orgasms, being gang banged (also never done that), figging, and on and on and on. My need is constantly escalating and never being met. I feel like I’m going crazy, like my skin is crawling with unfulfilled desires. I don’t know how much more I can take. Worse, I don’t know what will happen when I finally can’t take it anymore…

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One thought on “It’s a sub thing…

  1. Pingback: Abject Submission 1: Is it bad for me? | The University of Abject Submission

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