Lightbulbs

I want this. I crave this. When do I get a break from choosing the lightbulbs!?

Lightbulbs.

Close Call

Lately I’ve been going through a huge focused on women phase. I’m bisexual, but I love cock. DP, yes please. Gang bang? Where do I sign up! Don’t get me wrong, my cock obsession has not abated in the least. But wanna get me worked up in a hurry? Have a hot chick walk by & I’m soaking. H has teased me a bit, but has no complaints. He loves to be involved when I take a girl to bed, but he’s willing to just watch and fuck the shit out of me after if she’s not comfortable with a threesome.

So my friend C is super hot. Tall, thin, pear shaped with c cup perky boobs. We’ve been friends for a couple years and hanging out regularly on the weekends. She always flirts with me and is rather handsy, even pretending to motor boat me at her work holiday party in December (yes, her boss was in attendance, along with my parents!). Why was I at C’s holiday party? Why as her date, of course.

A couple weeks ago I invited her over for dinner and a movie night. I cooked and we drank a bottle of wine (not enough to get either of us tipsy in the slightest). Then I finally make my move. I climb straight in her lap and start kissing her neck and running my hands all over her tight body. She looks at H, sitting across from her in a chair, who tells her “Just go with it.” She did. Got her in bed and discovered pretty quickly how inexperienced she is with girls. My pussy was just short of crying from how rough and misplaced her “handling” was. Easier for me to take control. Many orgasms later (hers, not mine) it was late & she had to go home.

The sex with H was mind blowing. It always is after we play with others. I was horse the next day at work, and not just from screaming 😉 What I found disconcerting was how I couldn’t pull my thoughts away from C for even a moment. As I fell asleep I was craving feeling her body in our bed. I couldn’t wait to text her the next day. I’ve never, ever, reacted like this after getting intimate for the first time, with anyone. Period. A couple days later I finally admit my fear to myself: am I in love with C?

How will H react? I have no doubt I could be happy in a long term plural relationship. But, any time I joke about it H vehemently denies his interest. He sincerely appears to have zero interest in anything more serious than a regular play partner or partners. Which, as his wife, I respect 100%. I would never even consider leaving H. Not for any reason or any person. But, I can’t help wondering how C feels. Does she want to play again? Would she want something more serious? Would she want it with only me or with both myself and H? Would H be okay with me having another relationship that didn’t involve him? I was bowled over by endless questions. I was terrified.

I went on a trip out of town for about a week, and when I got back I still hadn’t said a peep to H about my concerns. Last weekend, I saw C again. This time at her house, we went a bit farther than that first night (I didn’t want to scare her off in light of her obvious inexperience). While we made out and engaged in heavy petting in the back seat of the care (H was driving her home on our way home from a Super Bowl party) everything was good. But the minute I got her in her bed and went down on her, she started up a monologue about how she likes guys, but will let me do this anyway because it feels the same. She talked like this the entire time. At least 10 straight minutes, possibly more like 20. Thank god H finally said we needed to get home since it was late and we all had work the next day.

What did I learn from this? I’m most certainly not in love with C. Also, just because a girl flirts with me, doesn’t guarantee she’s bi, or at least willing to admit to herself that she’s interested in girls (or even just me). I now know I am not interested in straight girls. At. All. Mostly, I’m just grateful the enormous knot of worry/fear/anxiety that had settled and grown in my stomach was suddenly gone. There’s nothing to tell H. I have no interest in playing with C in the future. We will go on as friends, but I’m just going to forget this fiasco ever happened and put it behind me. Here’s hoping H & C go quietly along with that and don’t ever ask any tough questions! Wish me luck 😉

Telling H that I’m a Sub

Telling H about my submissive needs is not something I ever wanted to do. But, there are a lot of things I never wanted to tell H, and it all comes out in the end. I was going through a period of obsession. I was stressed at work, feeling unfulfilled in my off time, and not getting nearly enough sex. I was craving a chance to submit so badly I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I was irritable and withdrawn. This went on for months and got progressively worse, until H simply couldn’t accept my excuses any longer.

Boy was I unprepared for this conversation. I will go in to more detail perhaps another time, but long story short I was in an abusive relationship for about a year, which only ended when E decided to join the military. I still don’t know that I would’ve gotten out before he killed me otherwise. H knows some about this, but struggles to understand. It’s a topic I avoid if at all possible.

So, H sits me down and demands I explain what’s wrong. I use all my best excuses to no avail; H has heard them all too many time & too often in this case. By my own choice/personality, I never tell H no. I’ve mentioned this to him on a few occasions, but he didn’t really understand the significance. So, without any preparation at all, I suddenly have to try to explain my submissive needs and desire for a BDSM relationship to H.

I choke out everything I can think of to explain, and H tells me that sounds like abuse. Great. Now I get to talk about my favorite topic, E. I explained that if H topped me, I would know that I would always be able to stop him if I needed to. That I would know he would always respect my safe word, that he loves me and wants to fulfill my desires. No dice. H still thinks spanking me til I scream or forcing me to deep throat him with no warning, possibly no reciprocation, and maybe even when I’m not in the mood, sounds like abuse.

Next, I get to explain in agonizing detail exactly why what E did to me was abusive. How I didn’t have the right to say no. How I couldn’t make him stop for any reason. How afraid of him I was. How he never took care of me or my needs. How threatening E was. How he would literally abuse me until I was unconscious and never slow down in using me. How he isolated me and controlled every aspect of my life. How E allowed me no privacy, ever. How many times I gave up, resigned to the fact that this might very well be the time when he finally kills me; this will be the time I don’t get to walk out of this room.

I remember, years ago, a conversation about that became about E. I have a lot of trouble going to my annual exams because of the type of questions they ask. Have I ever been raped? Obviously, the simple answer is “no”. But how truthful is that? H told me, in no uncertain terms and at length, that I’d never been raped. I willingly went to see E, didn’t I? I never said “No” or “Stop” did I? Of course not. So, obviously, I wasn’t raped. I was stunned by H’s lack of empathy and understanding. Didn’t he realize saying “No” or “Stop” to E would’ve likely signed my death warrant? I was so stunned I didn’t even try to argue. I just accepted what he said silently, but it had haunted me ever since.

Now, after explaining (to the best of my unprepared ability) my submissive nature and needs, and explaining how H topping me would be nothing like E’s abuse, H finally understands. I reminded him of that conversation, and he apologized. Now he says I was raped. But, much like the invisible scars of what E did to me, I can’t banish the feelings of worthlessness, responsibility, and self-loathing H reinforced when he insisted, with such certainty, that I willingly accepted everything E ever did.

Somewhere in there, I also tried to explain how H would have control over me even though H would always have to respect my safe word if I used it, essentially meaning I as the sub hold all the control as H argued. Now, there’s a ton of validity to this, but discussing it with someone who is absolutely clueless about BDSM relationships isn’t going to clarify anything. So there I sit, having just relinquished one of my deepest secrets and having discussed in terrifying detail one some of the worst experiences of my life, all needy and vulnerable, and H is just arguing with me that what I’m saying I want is impossible. This is not going well. At all.

Great. So, my secret’s out. H knows I’m submissive. He asked some very good, very reasonable questions. Most of which I epically failed at attempting to answer. I was far too emotionally overwrought for this conversation, if I’m to be honest. I know he wants me to be happy and find our sex life fulfilling. Hello, that’s how we became swingers. It’s not that I enjoyed hiding this deeply imbedded part of myself from H, it’s just that I knew he wouldn’t understand. H proved me right.

I admit, he’s spanked me more often and harder while we’re having sex since this conversation a few months ago. But that’s been the only change. He doesn’t ask what I want, or what he can try. I think he’d be horrified by most of my fantasies. H certainly isn’t about to tie me down and spend an hour spanking me with various implements, making me scream and cry as foreplay. I’m afraid that he’s never going to meet these needs. That scares me. Also, thanks to my experiences with E, I’m terrified of trusting anyone else (such as the people we swing with) to top me. Even if I was brave enough to let someone other than my husband top me, I’m afraid this would take something valuable away from our relationship. I know some subs have Doms who are not their spouse, but is that truly as fulfilling as being a sub for your spouse? I don’t know.

I don’t know if, given time, H will learn to be a Dom. I know he likes having the control some times, but will he ever be able to force me to the depths of submission I need to feel complete and sated? I think it unlikely. Even if he can, even if he wants, to eventually become that, can I wait that long? What’s a sub to do?

Much as I anticipated, finally telling H about my submissiveness did not leave me feeling better about our relationship. I felt like I’d been kicked and pushed aside, left behind. I realize he didn’t do anything wrong, but I was (and still am to be honest) so demoralized but his inability to understand and his aggressive insistence that what I described wasn’t feasible, that I’m still trying to figure out how to recover now, months later. Where do I, where do we as a couple, go from here?

Locked Up.

I hope one day I learn to trust myself & forgive myself for past mistakes.

My Journey to Finding Myself

So Daddy and I went out last weekend to a friend’s house…

And I had a melt down..

Does not happen that much I tend to keep negative emotions locked up inside. 

I almost never cry in front of others, and when I drink too much or listen to a sad song alone it bubbles up to the surface aka meltdown.

And I thought this might be a good blog post because I have read that Babygirls tend to have a lot of baggage.

Our optimism and innocence gets us into trouble, people take advantage of us.

And if I have this compulsion to keep the hurt, pain and negativity buried maybe other babygirls have the same problem.

I haven’t quite figured exactly why I do it and what it’s going to take to stop. 

What I do know is that Daddy wants to know what goes on inside of…

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Ben Wa Balls

So yesterday I had a snow day & didn’t go in to work, but H did. Here I was, alone and horny all day. I admit I spent some time setting up my fabulous new blog & on twitter (@lifestylesub), took a nap, and did some cleaning. When I simply couldn’t wait any longer, I made myself comfortable in bed with all my favorite toys and got to work. Shockingly, I couldn’t cum! Usually I cum easily and frequently. I nearly always experience multiple orgasms during sex, and when I get worked up enough even squirt. But playing alone? Toughest way to get off ever. Giving up, I realized I haven’t used my Ben Wa Balls in ages. I figured if nothing else, I could enjoy the feeling of something inside me for a few hours.

Skip ahead to my quiet evening after H is home from work. There I am, relaxing on the couch reading my flavor of the week erotica, when H asks, “What are those small silver balls sitting next to the sink in the bathroom?” Que my dear-in-headlights look! Um, apparently after I cleaned them I forgot to put them away in their box. Awesome. Now here’s the thing, H and I are very open about our desires, it’s just that I have so many more of them than he does. Don’t get me wrong, he loves swinging, threesomes, DP, foursomes, and so on and so forth. But he was so vanilla when I met him you’d think he’s made of sunshine and rainbows!

So, I’m always self-conscious about my desires. It’s never easy for me to fess up to what I’m thinking/feeling/wanting/craving/needing. H had never even had anal before I seduced him in to it. Flash forward to me buying a harness and a variety of strap-ons and pegging him! He loves to give me what I want and not only see me get off, but make me squirt until our bed/floor/car is a lake. It’s just so. damn. hard. to admit things to him. I have deeply rooted trust issues, and I suspect I’m subconsciously waiting for the day when I admit something that’s too much for him and he calls it quits. Not at all fair, and certainly not helping our marriage. I’m working on it, but truth be told finally admitting to him my submissive needs may have been more harmful than helpful (but that’s another story entirely).

Back to the story. There I sit, staring at him and realizing he has no idea what Ben Wa Balls are. Do I: A. Take the cowards way out and refuse to discuss it; B. Explain what they are, the variety of uses for them; C. Say they are a sex toy and admit how desperately I want him to bend me over and spank me til I scream with them inside me? I admit it, I was a total coward. “I don’t want to talk about it.” Thing is, he just said “okay” and went back to watching T.V. Well, I was not about to let it go that easy! If he isn’t going to push, I’m going to force it on him! Well, you know, not directly. I’ve already established I don’t have the guts to talk about it with him. Solution? Google thank you very much. I texted (yes, while we were sitting on the same couch!) him a link to a website explaining what they are and the various uses. *blush*

Now, I realize this doesn’t clue him in to what I was doing with them exactly, or let him know I want him to ask more questions or use them with me, but a girl can dream. Sadly, H only teased me momentarily about texting him rather than telling him and let it drop. I guess I’ll have to keep waiting for that particular spanking session…

i need the pain today

Yes. Please. Crave is exactly what it is. Sometimes I can’t sleep for days or even weeks because the need is so deep.

What is Submission?

Great topic, one I’ve spent a lot of time considering. I’ve still got more soul-searching to do myself, but don’t we all? After all, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” – Plato

What is Submission?.

Did My Word Choice Reveal Something, or is it Just a Word?

I love this topic. To me, it gets straight to the heart of the difference between abusive relationships and BDSM relationships. One is safe and full of mutual respect, while the other is not. I will be posting on this at length as soon as I can! Thanks XOXO

BJ’s

Great post & tips…yay for deep throating!

My Journey to Finding Myself

I was impressed by this article, Surrendered Heart has some great posts. I wish more women enjoyed giving bj’s as much as I do for Daddy. But of course Daddy treats me like a princess so I love to give back this way.

Written by:Surrendered Heart

The Art of the Blow Job and Deep Throat

There is probably nothing I love more than to give a blow job and deep throat my man. I think the fact that I love doing this is why every boyfriend I’ve ever had has raved about my “skills”.

I read a bunch of blogs. A bunch as in hundreds ( am I giving away the fact that I have WAY too much time on my hands here :)? )
Many women struggle with this. Experienced as well as inexperienced.

Lets face it. They don’t exactly teach this in school. Most men in the vanilla…

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How to take proper care of your Dom

This is inspiring and well thought out. Also, even though H isn’t a dom, it applies to our lifestyle as swingers. I really relate to what Svana says here, as I’ve used most of the methods mentioned to support H and finally lead to my being able to admit to him my submissive needs. Don’t get me wrong, it was a difficult conversation and our relationship continues to be a lot of work – and far from perfect- but I agree with this 100%. Worth reading!

How to take proper care of your Dom.