Fifty Shades of Unimpressed

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I’m a little late to the party, I know. I’ve been hearing about the Fifty Shades phenomena for so long, I finally decided to read it. A while back I overheard a conversation at work about it, and that’s when I decided I was going to read it (eventually). One of my coworkers was absolutely scandalized. She went on and on about how unrealistic it was, how no young woman, especially a virgin, would do any of the things the main character does. I’m not big on pop culture or blending in, so despite its popularity I’d thus far given Fifty Shades a wide berth. I had an idea that it was about BDSM, but that was really it.

 

So I download it to my e-reader and set aside an entire afternoon to read it. I was mentally prepped, ready to read unimaginable, kinky, hard core BDSM shit. I was ready to be shocked, amazed, and hopefully inspired. New ideas are always welcome in my bedroom! I didn’t even make it through the first chapter before disappointment began to swell. The writing is poorly done, the plot is cliche, and the glamour is so obviously plucked straight out of classic style romance novels (where I wish it would stay) that I found Fifty Shades of Grey nearly unreadable. However, I am not a quitter. Nothing to do with my OCD, I’m sure. So I stuck it out, and suffered through to the end. It didn’t get better. Wasted afternoon.

 

Next I talk to some friends, people who know me pretty well. An ex-lover or two. I ask if they’ve read Fifty Shades, what they thought of it. Turns out my kind of people are also not the type to read a book with the kind of hype Fifty Shades received. Even so, every single person I asked guessed that I was underwhelmed. Damn! I don’t generally like to be that easy to read. Apparently my idea of “vanilla” needs to be drastically redefined if Fifty Shades is suppose to be so scandalous. Maybe I’ll get to that one of these days.

 

For a while, I set this failed attempt at delving in to more hard core BDSM aside. Went on with my life, read books that were actually worth my time. Then one day I was shopping and saw Fifty Shades Darker. “Darker”!? This could have potential a voice in the back of my mind whispers seductively. I am a total impulse shopper. People like me are the reason there are 40 kinds of candy bars, gum and chap stick by every register at a store…I can’t resist. So I bought Fifty Shades Darker (maybe, three months ago?). I still haven’t finished it. I have no idea what the author’s idea of ‘dark’ is, but I would be ashamed if I were her.

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This is still sitting on my beside table, and when I’m feeling particularly masochistic, I force myself to read a chapter or two. I will finish it, but I’m not in any hurry. By the way, no, I will not be buying whatever the third one is called. Not in this life time. On to my next failed adventure into reading [not] kinky literature. H’s coworker gave him a book for me to borrow. She told H that H owed her a drink for every time he got laid as a result of my reading this book. I bet you’ve heard of it:

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Now, I thought Fifty Shades of Grey & Fifty Shades Darker was really scrapping bottom on quality of books, writing, character development, understanding of literary functions, plot, and a variety of other areas. But, this was almost worse. What does a girl have to do to get some hard core BDSM!? Clearly, she has to avoid these two series. Again, I finished it. In an afternoon. H didn’t get laid a single time as a result of my reading this book, and his coworker was stunned. Ohwell. I never have lived up to other people’s expectations well. Between these three books, I’ve sacrificed hours of my life that I can never get back. What a way to spend my youth! Luckily, thanks to fellow bloggers on wordpress, I’ve found some suggestions that may be more to my liking. Here’s hoping! Wish me luck 🙂

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