I had planned to write more about my past today. I had decided on a topic and was all set to delve into a specific issue that’s been on my mind. Instead, I discovered a more urgent consideration. Hopefully I’ll have time to get back to my original plan, but as tends to be the case with the past, it can (and will) wait.
Part of my personality as a sub is always wanting to give to the people I care about. I trust few people, but those I do trust I trust explicitly. I only dated one guy in between dealing with E’s abuse and meeting my husband. J was a great guy (actually, still is). J was everything I thought I wanted in a guy. We had all the same interests. We went on shooting dates, liked the same kind of movies, both loved animals and a rural lifestyle. J loved my dog and my horse. He was very intelligent, hard working, and worshipped me. As much as I loved spending time with J and as much fun as we had, I never loved him as more than a friend. The sex was great, but there was no emotional component for me.
I didn’t realize it immediately, but I was also physically intimidated by J. He never made an aggressive move toward me, but he was a big guy and far stronger than me. I told J a little about what I went through with E, so he knew he was the first guy I’d dated since. I realized I was afraid of J after I had already decided to break up with him. I went to his place to deliver the bad news in person, and suddenly realized I was frozen-to-the-spot terrified. Here I was, alone, about to break up with a guy who really cared about me, in a room full of loaded weapons he is quite adept in using. I’m still ashamed of having feared him; J did not deserve that from me. He’s the last person who would ever hurt a woman, simply due to his impeccable morals.
J and I eventually became friends, and I fessed up to why I couldn’t stay in the relationship. We were also friends with benefits for a while. Did I mention the sex was great!? I slowly got over my fear of J. H knew that J & I had dated, that we had been friends with benefits after I’d ended our relationship, and that J & I still would text. None of that was a secret. But, J understands me so well, in so many ways H doesn’t. H is my opposite in most all every day things. Our taste in material items, our hobbies, even our approach to decision making. All opposite. It’s daunting and exhausting at times, H and I trying to meet in the middle and understand one another. Despite our best efforts, communication remains the single most difficult barrier to our happiness in our marriage. Good thing we are both committed to working on it and not giving up.
Back to J. One day, I invited J to go riding with me. He missed my horse, and I love having company when I go riding. I’ve taken other friends out to the barn and its never been an issue. H was not please. At all. In his view, texting is very casual. To H, texting someone doesn’t mean you are friends. I only text people I consider to be my friend. Why would I waste my time and attention on texting someone who isn’t? I don’t keep in touch with “casual acquaintances” like H does, I guess. I assumed H knew I considered J to be a friend. We had even invited J over to play one time and had a threesome. We all had a good time and there was no jealousy issues. But going riding with J? Apparently that’s where H draws the line. I was flummoxed!
I really struggled with this. For months, I felt like there was a wall between H and I. I felt controlled, demeaned, devalued. H told me who I could and couldn’t be friends with, and what I could and couldn’t do for fun! Furious didn’t even begin to describe how I felt. I was heartbroken, devastated. I thought I would never go through that again. I thought H loved and trusted me enough to never forbid me from a friend. I was wrong. H tried to explain to me why it would be “inappropriate”. He really did. But I just couldn’t understand his point of view. I slowly, and through additional conversations with H, came to accept that H did not wish to control me, but needed me as his wife to understand that he has limits, and, somehow, this was one of them. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still not happy about the situation, but I was able to slowly begin to feel closer to H once again and rebuild the trust and intimacy that was shattered through this experience.
Although I’ve just started this blog, it’s a place where I allow myself to be completely vulnerable and exposed. A place I can say and think and work through the things I have to hide in most every other aspect of my life. My intention was to keep it a secret, remain completely anonymous. I didn’t plan to tell H, my friends or my family about it. Well, plans change. First I told R about it. I hadn’t talked to him in years. He and I never dated, but we were friends with benefits around the time I was being abused by E. R didn’t know the details of my situation with E, but he knew enough to know I things were less than ideal. R gave me what I needed at the time, and I didn’t even recognize how well he did that until last night. I heard from him, rather out of the blue recently. I’ve really enjoyed reconnecting with him. He’s smart, easy going and has a heart of gold. And yeah, you probably saw this coming…the sex was great! *fond smile*
I always felt I could trust R. Unfortunately, I was never as up front with him as he was with me. I regret that I never gave him even a fraction of what he gave me, or what he deserved. But at the time, I was as open and honest with him as I was capable of being. We had a good time. R smiled at me. He even got me to smile too! I really needed that back then. So rather quickly I find myself opening up about my brand new blog and letting R read it. He didn’t know that H & I swing, didn’t know that I’m bi, didn’t have any idea that I’m a sub at heart. Pretty shocking discovery for R I’m sure. I was terrified he’d be disgusted and never speak to me again. Luckily he proved me wrong. We talked a lot about what he learned and I answered his questions as best I could. I’m so grateful I was brave enough to tell him about my blog.
Then, I told another friend. S is a great listener. We met through work, and don’t see each other often, but he became a confidant and highly trust friend so fast I’m surprised I didn’t get whiplash. Super unusual for me. I still have no idea why I trusted him, it just happened. In the time we’ve known each other he’s proved over and over again what an amazing friend he is. He knew that H & I swing. I even talked to him about my fears about C (a story H is still in the dark about). But S did not know that I’m a sub. I’d never told anyone other than H, until I created this blog to have an outlet. I really didn’t know what to expect from S once he read what I’d revealed so far. He didn’t know about my history of abuse. Not something I share lightly.
S understood probably better than I’d like. Didn’t expect that. If my friend can understand better than my husband, what does that mean? I love H. I probably sound selfish and completely self obsessed in my blogging, but that isn’t how my day to day life looks. I always consider H. I never say “no” to him because I don’t want to. I want to give H anything, everything. So I get up and get him something to drink when he asks, even though I’m warm and comfortable in bed, because it makes me happy to make him happy. I watch T.V. shows I don’t care for because instead I can watch him & his enjoyment. That’s what I want. H is always in my thoughts. I’m constantly considering how my choices and action affect H and our marriage. Finally, this brings me to my point.
How much is too much? How much of myself can I give to my friends, and at what point am I giving that which belongs to H? Am I sabotaging my marriage? I really don’t know where the line is. Obviously, based on the fiasco with H & J. How much can I tell my friends, how much can I confide in them, how much can I admit to them, without degrading my relationship with H? Does it make a difference if it’s a friend I’ve slept with or not? To me, relationships aren’t about sex. Sex is just an aspect, and often for me, a transitory stage. I value friendship far more than I value sex. So, does having had sex with someone years ago mean I can’t have a friendship with them now? Unfortunately, I fear H’s answer to that is “yes”.
Perhaps its a result of my shitty upbringing, but I’d never had a real friend until I was an adult. I probably don’t understand what friendship is suppose to mean. How it’s suppose to work, how to interact, what to talk about and not talk about, it’s all greek to me. So I don’t blame H for having different ideas about what friendship means. That doesn’t mean I know how to have a friendship he himself would. So here’s the question, do I have friendships, or do I have emotional affairs? I wish I knew.