Telling H that I’m a Sub

Telling H about my submissive needs is not something I ever wanted to do. But, there are a lot of things I never wanted to tell H, and it all comes out in the end. I was going through a period of obsession. I was stressed at work, feeling unfulfilled in my off time, and not getting nearly enough sex. I was craving a chance to submit so badly I couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat. I was irritable and withdrawn. This went on for months and got progressively worse, until H simply couldn’t accept my excuses any longer.

Boy was I unprepared for this conversation. I will go in to more detail perhaps another time, but long story short I was in an abusive relationship for about a year, which only ended when E decided to join the military. I still don’t know that I would’ve gotten out before he killed me otherwise. H knows some about this, but struggles to understand. It’s a topic I avoid if at all possible.

So, H sits me down and demands I explain what’s wrong. I use all my best excuses to no avail; H has heard them all too many time & too often in this case. By my own choice/personality, I never tell H no. I’ve mentioned this to him on a few occasions, but he didn’t really understand the significance. So, without any preparation at all, I suddenly have to try to explain my submissive needs and desire for a BDSM relationship to H.

I choke out everything I can think of to explain, and H tells me that sounds like abuse. Great. Now I get to talk about my favorite topic, E. I explained that if H topped me, I would know that I would always be able to stop him if I needed to. That I would know he would always respect my safe word, that he loves me and wants to fulfill my desires. No dice. H still thinks spanking me til I scream or forcing me to deep throat him with no warning, possibly no reciprocation, and maybe even when I’m not in the mood, sounds like abuse.

Next, I get to explain in agonizing detail exactly why what E did to me was abusive. How I didn’t have the right to say no. How I couldn’t make him stop for any reason. How afraid of him I was. How he never took care of me or my needs. How threatening E was. How he would literally abuse me until I was unconscious and never slow down in using me. How he isolated me and controlled every aspect of my life. How E allowed me no privacy, ever. How many times I gave up, resigned to the fact that this might very well be the time when he finally kills me; this will be the time I don’t get to walk out of this room.

I remember, years ago, a conversation about that became about E. I have a lot of trouble going to my annual exams because of the type of questions they ask. Have I ever been raped? Obviously, the simple answer is “no”. But how truthful is that? H told me, in no uncertain terms and at length, that I’d never been raped. I willingly went to see E, didn’t I? I never said “No” or “Stop” did I? Of course not. So, obviously, I wasn’t raped. I was stunned by H’s lack of empathy and understanding. Didn’t he realize saying “No” or “Stop” to E would’ve likely signed my death warrant? I was so stunned I didn’t even try to argue. I just accepted what he said silently, but it had haunted me ever since.

Now, after explaining (to the best of my unprepared ability) my submissive nature and needs, and explaining how H topping me would be nothing like E’s abuse, H finally understands. I reminded him of that conversation, and he apologized. Now he says I was raped. But, much like the invisible scars of what E did to me, I can’t banish the feelings of worthlessness, responsibility, and self-loathing H reinforced when he insisted, with such certainty, that I willingly accepted everything E ever did.

Somewhere in there, I also tried to explain how H would have control over me even though H would always have to respect my safe word if I used it, essentially meaning I as the sub hold all the control as H argued. Now, there’s a ton of validity to this, but discussing it with someone who is absolutely clueless about BDSM relationships isn’t going to clarify anything. So there I sit, having just relinquished one of my deepest secrets and having discussed in terrifying detail one some of the worst experiences of my life, all needy and vulnerable, and H is just arguing with me that what I’m saying I want is impossible. This is not going well. At all.

Great. So, my secret’s out. H knows I’m submissive. He asked some very good, very reasonable questions. Most of which I epically failed at attempting to answer. I was far too emotionally overwrought for this conversation, if I’m to be honest. I know he wants me to be happy and find our sex life fulfilling. Hello, that’s how we became swingers. It’s not that I enjoyed hiding this deeply imbedded part of myself from H, it’s just that I knew he wouldn’t understand. H proved me right.

I admit, he’s spanked me more often and harder while we’re having sex since this conversation a few months ago. But that’s been the only change. He doesn’t ask what I want, or what he can try. I think he’d be horrified by most of my fantasies. H certainly isn’t about to tie me down and spend an hour spanking me with various implements, making me scream and cry as foreplay. I’m afraid that he’s never going to meet these needs. That scares me. Also, thanks to my experiences with E, I’m terrified of trusting anyone else (such as the people we swing with) to top me. Even if I was brave enough to let someone other than my husband top me, I’m afraid this would take something valuable away from our relationship. I know some subs have Doms who are not their spouse, but is that truly as fulfilling as being a sub for your spouse? I don’t know.

I don’t know if, given time, H will learn to be a Dom. I know he likes having the control some times, but will he ever be able to force me to the depths of submission I need to feel complete and sated? I think it unlikely. Even if he can, even if he wants, to eventually become that, can I wait that long? What’s a sub to do?

Much as I anticipated, finally telling H about my submissiveness did not leave me feeling better about our relationship. I felt like I’d been kicked and pushed aside, left behind. I realize he didn’t do anything wrong, but I was (and still am to be honest) so demoralized but his inability to understand and his aggressive insistence that what I described wasn’t feasible, that I’m still trying to figure out how to recover now, months later. Where do I, where do we as a couple, go from here?

2 thoughts on “Telling H that I’m a Sub

  1. Oh, LifestyleGambler, I wish I could fix this. I’ve just given up on converting my half-hearted sadist into a dom. So I do know a little how this feels.

    There is a book for people in your situation: When Someone You Love is Kinky by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt. I got the title from

    I wrote a post to try to explain to a sadist friend that the awful things she wanted were completely compatible with love and what subs want. Maybe you can use any of it to explain to him?

    And hugs.


    • Thanks for the links, Yingtai. I read that post of yours about sadism, and I agree completely with what you said. I started blogging so that I wouldn’t feel like I was holding everything in, what I didn’t realize was what the best part is, seeing other people can relate to my thoughts and feelings and feeling their support. Thank you!


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